more gadgets

Finally managed to get my new eee pc sorted.

I got one week ago, but the key board was faulty. Boys from PC World proved to be very helpful and exchanged my fist buy to a new, baby-blue computer while my dear son convinced the security guard that he has to take him on his knees and let him play with all the CCTV systems installed in the store (do not ask how...). I left the shop loved for being patient and for having a charming son....and headed off to the neighboring military shop (have a long, also genetically coded passion to militarism and need to check the shop out again) where I managed to find a small laptop case made by Web-Tex with great care and perfect quality, only for £12!!!Anyway, ASUS is perfect for my needs - I can type and save my writings wherever I am (with battery lasting up to 3 hrs!), preview my fresh pictures directly from the SD card; browse the web, check mail and organize my tasks and plan the week at and outside of work. Yes, it is a well developed organizer, but if you are stubborn and really want to use Microsoft on it, get the 4GB and install it! I am not sure if I will be able to use my 3 mobile broadband on it, but there is no need. For traveling the wireless is picked up easily, at home I work on my Packard Bell anyway. The main idea was to have a small pc, and I think it is not too big. not much larger, than my wallet...

I have found two quality blogs on the device. One is mentioning new release of SDK for ASUS (great news!) and other development options, as well as news. The other one delivers world wide news about it and makes me sad i do not live in Hong Kong...yet;)
I bet there is more, this was a quick Google search.

I have no name for it yet. Any suggestions? Sam is too good, need something more down-to-earth...

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low blood pressure

It is used to be a stupid joke of my husband but gets f@ serious! I have extremely low blood pressure and I managed to identify three standard reasons for it:
1. Genetic
2. irregular eating
3. stress

So...what we need to do is: increase the intake of salt (I hate salty food), continue with 4 cups of coffee a day (wow! I am allowed), drink 8 glasses of water/day and at least glass of red wine/week, massage my feet int he morning and meditate int he evenings, swim as much as possible, take long walks after work (helps to relax, by no means) and drink ginger tea...last one is going to be challenging due to the fact that as a tea lover I am just in the middle of my 'rose tea' period, and it will be difficult to give up on it:/

But I will motivate myself with bits of chocolate from Costa Rica brought kindly by Siobhan. I really appreciate the thought!:)



To get rid of the headaches I need to do the new set of glasses - pc screens are killing me! I feel literary sick!

And once again I need to see the GP.

Getting old sucks...

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long weekend, full of sport and gadgets

Hi there, I am dying in front of my pc, but before I go off to bed, let me just explain why I was so busy tonight...one of my new gadgets (it's scary, I start to like the word GADGET!) is little WD Passport, which is nothing more than 160MB external hard drive, but for me great back up for my photos.

Since I was going for eee pc, I managed to budget for this too, and I have no regrets. So eee pc is left in the corner of my desk, waiting...I managed to try it out on the bus from London to check my photos from London Marathon...

...and must admit - I didn't realize and we were back in Oxford! So for now I know one - eee pc is a great tool for a photographer working with digital cam.

All right, nightnight, I need to get some rest before the new week. (not that I haven't worked tonight, but this just for the peace of mind;))

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Sea Land

...is the title of my part of the exhibition in Appleton.

Why? Sea Land is the state of my soul currently - also a place in England somewhere:) - where there is no border lien between the land and the water, everything is liquid, constantly changing form and distance...there is sometimes stability, but most of the time flow after a flow. So I guess it suits the project too...

So here it is. It started with...I guess the very fact I hated that place and didn't want to move there! I was trapped and very lonely there...I felt abandoned, alienated...but quickly I was asked to join the community, and met few good and very interesting people...
After I separated from my husband I stayed there to gather my thoughts.
I met Kristina, who is a good friend now.
In the meantime I was invited to take part in Oxford Artweeks together with other artists from the village - simple note in my postbox!
I met Jo.

Now I need to gather my thoughts again. What do I want to say with this one? Last one was called signs and it was opened few days after my horrible marriage ended. I know now that SIGNS meant those I have seen...of the ending, of re-birth.

Today all I can say is that I have lived my last year - yes, slowly a year! - very close to the nature. i spent every single free minute of my life in the gardens of Wantage, Oxford, London...purely meditating and searching for the old self and a new path.

What I can say is that I have found it all - my old self, new country, new life and new role. I have made peace with my past and blind choices. I have forgiven myself. I enjoy life again, fully.

So here it is -  twenty titles:
Tulips, 'spring flowers'
Ticloy, 'house of stone'
Lymm, 'noisy stream'
Doonaha, 'ford of the ford'
Ashendon, 'hill overgrown with ash-trees'
Loftus, 'house with a loft'
See Grave, 'grove'
Annagassan, 'ford of the paths'
Dornoch, 'place of the first stones'
Hoy, 'high island'
Briska, 'brittle land'
Ahakista, 'ford of the box'
Huish, 'measure of land that would support family'
Zeal, 'hall'
Doo, 'black lake'
Ahalia, 'lake of the salt water'
Kilbaha, 'church of birches'
Saval, 'barn'
Boola, 'milking place'
Hammoon, 'enclosure or land in a riverbed'

All of them found in a dictionary of English names (note: some of them are actually Irish). All of them on the map. I have found most of them already and I plan to visit them with Kristina during next 12 months. it was her idea to use this book (she is a writer and brilliant person!). It was my colleagues and their language obsessions that pushed me to find names that sound interesting to my ear.
So basically first were the titles. Later their meaning and real places. Only then (actually today) have I finished adding the titles to previously chosen photographs. How? Based on how they sound and what I see in the picture - so randomly, and not;)
To make it more post-modern I will try to put up a map of those places somewhere during the exhibition.

Afterwards I will start blogging about those places and see, how really could I connect them to the chosen photo.

So, lot's of work for the next year, hihi..

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tonight

...I was on my own and loved it! I spend all evening taking photos in my new photobox....
















Answered few questions on the phone - in interview for Oxford Times on the upcoming exhibition (I was worried about it, but the lady proved to be very kind, so my first interview was luckily, smooth and quite motivating too...
Played around with my newest book - finally managed to find all works of Van Gogh in one, small and very well prized book.

I am...

'I am neither, I am both. I took my path, I took my cards, I tore at them, unflinching, and moved onward, and upward. I decide to make decisions that are already predetermined. How can I have this. My path had been set out, I had no choice but to follow it, but there was always hope, there was always a belief, a speck of doubt about it all, that made me...me. I am torn." His mind's eye had calmed, he was beginning to come to terms with the unknown, his past as it had been before the crash, his being, his absolute self belief in himself, and how he was a product of his own decisions which he was free to make as he chose. And after the crash, his coping mechanism that gave the whole thing purpose and clarity, there was a reason behind his pain, he was on a path and he would strive along, that path to kill everyRiRithing he hated, it had been decided for him and it freed him from the responsibility for the murders'

What do you think? To see my responses, click on the links in the text or posts below. To read more about this novel, check Richard Galbraith's blog.

I am very interested to see the progress of his writing on the blog, but also read the comments of other fans.

In some points I do not agree with Richard (I am a post-modernist), but generally speaking I agree that one can be so self-defined that everything can be justified - it's human nature. Luckily some of us have strength to choose stronger, more difficult paths and educated enough to see through lies.

I think the truth is in between - in the harmony between the pre-defined and the chosen. At least that is how it works for me.

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survival

Survival is based on ability to adjust. Human nature needs explanations to be able to cope with the unknown. When I had a car accident I had no time to live my death experience fully, so I became disorientated and hypersensitive for months afterwards. I was told I had to digest the death sooner or later somehow. When the car hit me I was peaceful. I came to realize - oh, how painfully - that I am ready for it any second of my life. Why? Well, sometime at the age of 17 I read a vampire chronicle (Anne Rice) and grasped the unfairness of life given to us, and taken whenever planned/wanted. The pots, the music, instruments themselves will stay and I will have to walk away into the dark. Some of us leave names. Some of us smolder away. All the organs we grow, demolish and misuse, ignore and not know of suddenly stop and refuse the service. There is no fairness, no sense and no justification in that. So we look for alternatives. We create. We shout. We protest. We give up. We gave birth. We kill.
With all this I feel hopeless, so all I can do is to live every single moment of my life based on zen philosophy, i.e. HERE AND NOW. As if it were the last one, but not to the extremes. Just thoughtfully. If I rest I do nothing. I am scared, I tremble. If I am angry, I throw things around. If I am happy I dance. If I love, I stop breathing. If I listen, I make notes. If I speak, I know people do not always listen. I take ordinary risks from the moment I open my eyes.
So no matter where I am, with whom, how old or rich...I see myself in the mirror and smile.

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broken words

I am not a product, nor a subject. I am the spear moment between two words, the unspoken truth. The harder I try to define myself, the clearer it becomes that the final stop is a play of signs, a constant movement, an association. I am cultivating all the symbols, names and their meanings, tattoo. The 'I' enriches the mosaic of my self-portrait by measurement of the color of my eyes - the scale from dark green to yellow. I am not definite, nor defined. 'You soy un flow' (Orishas)
The choices I make I measure in terms of actions and reactions. Every action evokes a reaction. There are good and bad people, but there is no good nor bad deeds. Only mistakes. Wrong action means painful, destructive, dangerous reaction.
I choose based on self awareness and logic. Faith has nothing to do with it. Faith helps to sustain the flow.

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I

I always start with myself. I am the center of this universe. I speak those words, so I must be right! When did this world begin?

Since I can remember. I stand for my values, because I was the one who choose them form all that is given. I choose my

favourites, my clothes, my tears, my colors. I am the creator and the observer. The reality changes in MY eyes, eyes of the

beholder. I command my muscles to make the gesture. I allow myself to have an orgasm. And sometimes...sometimes it is I who lets

it all out.
I decide to be happy, to make myself one if needed be.
I never take drugs, since my 'I' is wild enough.
I begin with myself.
I end with self destruction.
I am reborn out of my own ashes.

They are an appendix.

I start each sentence with myself. I is just a letter, representing the endlessness of my mind

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Ed Hills

Just reading an article about new photographic media - photospheres. It is really cool! Just extremely time consuming!

Ed Hills loves it and his works are available to view in Greenwich. I am impressed by his scientific aproach to photography and great business mind. It makes everyone's life easier to exhibit local content (photospheres of London while exhibiting in the capital,etc), helps sell, but most or all - establishes the sense of classicism for this very new wave.


I hope to be able to check them out next time I'm in London.

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on beauty

I spent late evening last night watching 'Stealing beauty' by Bertolucci, who really discovered Liv Tyler.

I must admit that this film is very, very close to changing my '3 the best' list! I need to watch it few more times - tomorrow with someone, who's opinion really matters to me.
I find it fascinating how theatrical and how gentle the story is!


Myself in the meantime I spend time on very down o earth activities - taking my son to GP (luckily his horrible cough means getting better:/), ironing, cleaning - even having an afternoon nap! Actually this made me think a little. I haven't been eating well recently so I am quite weak but today I had no power to lift up my son,nor my own arms:( I had to realize that there is no way for me to live on tea instead of coffee (my last weekend), because my body switches off! (no wonder if one has 90/60 blood pressure!).

So here is one good thought! Tomorrow I am going back to work - something to pump my blood with;) And a lovely evening a the fireplace, not alone, to look forward to.

(Promised to few people map for my exhibition, so I will try to do it this week)

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And on a less serious note...shopping!

I cannot believe I did it, but well, too late now. Due to the fact I was stuck at home for three days now I had to much time to browse and look for shoes (my discreet hobby). So, ladies and gentlemen, two years after the arrival to this country I got those:

Not one, two...and I am still not sure if I will wear them, but I love the design.

No more sitting in front of my pc and thinking about shopping, done enough for this month!
Which reminds me - I have received the ordered first copy of Photoicon, the only digestible Photo magazine in the UK.

..the only place where I have seen all the current crucial exhibitions mentioned, together with  Mediastorm. Good stuff, pity that it's a quarterly..

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65%

I would like to think it is not happening...

Please do not watch it if you don't have strong nerves...still, if you haven't watch the documentary on BBC, I think you should at least make it though those few minutes...just to know, because they obviously make statements.

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Nature

Although...if I think about it more....I will end up taking more industrial photos 'in the box'.
Nature has its own, wonderful backgrounds...


And there is no costs included;)


I wonder, will I ever have enough of those? OK, it's girly, but I don't care...humanity spent ages to reconstruct those colors, and they are just there, outside the windows...

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Forced to sit in front of pc...actually did something useful...

meaning I managed to find a place where I can get photographic equipment so cheap, that it's unbelievable! Ebay, of course. So here is a shy attempt to do more of still life this month:


It's called photobox, and it helps to gain lovely one-colored backgrounds for still life or add photos. It is actually just a box, so paying £40 for it sound a bit strange, but for £6 it already gains on value and it's good aspects - easy to carry (so I can go to the garden, pick a flower, put the box in the sunshine and still create a cool effect!), made of material which allows to use the lightening from sides or from behind (even more fun) and with backgrounds available in four colors! Ah, I am so happy! Cannot wait to try it out!:)

Such a tiny thing can make a blondie's day!:P

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Manda, welcome:)

In desperation for a cat I installed one of the most popular widgets of our times - Maukie cat - but I call her Manda. Actually that is how my son calls her, so let it be.
Follows the mouse, no wonder.
If you rub her tummy, she will purr.
If you touch her head she will miau.
Never ever asks for food.
Does not need pet insurance.
That is the only way a cat works for us at the moment:/

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Alcopop!

Once again I discover the pure talent in my fellow bloggers!


I have been given a link to this charming blog of a label promoting very good music, so do check it out!

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Google office?

Few days ago someone very important;) sent me photos of this office

I would love to work in a place full of magic, like this! I don;t know how about Zurich, but I wouldn't mind working for Google. Hm,  I like what I do now, so I guess that's out of the question;)

By the way, pix taken from here.

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Time and the like

yes, it has been a while since my last post. Simply because I was busy catching up with my work after two large projects aside of my regular work. One of them got back to normal, another one - I got involved into too much and now I feel the pain of disappointment - so I need to backup a bit.
Anyway. In the meantime my ex is leaving company. Well, you guess...
Dawid is enjoying the fact he can fall out of his bed - since I took of the cot part and now he has a bed for 'big boys':) He ends up sleeping with me, but I trust it will change.
Time is healing his willingness to stay with me all day - he likes going to the nursery again, the freshly painted heaven full of girls (Catherina!) and friendly boys (Thomas, Charlie) whom he is so charming to introduce to me every single morning, again and again:)

Tonight I am taking time off - I need to do some writing and finish Coelho. There are ten new books on my shelf waiting to be read. Jummy! Just to make myself feel better after I didn't make it to Ben Okri during Oxford Literary Festival. Well, next year;)

I am listening to Ruarri's 'Tales...' (CD I finally managed to find time to order!), ate full bawl of ice-cream and just about to enjoy my new Chinese rose tea, hmmm...

Talking about time, I have found a cool screen saver. Pity, it's not for free - I don't see the point of paying for gadgets in general, this one might be tempting though...


Nightnight!

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Somerset House, London

Brilliant collection of classics, impressionists and post-impressionists amongst them! Small, but extremely intense; offers fans of Van Gogh,


Renoir, Monet and Kandinsky extraordinary moments. Today I saw the courtyard in rain...



..but I will be back soon to enjoy the sunshine there as well.

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London, on the bus

Two ladies talking behind my back...as I started listening:
' I remember the times when there were no blacks, no Irish, no dogs...and I thought 'I could do with a dog'...

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Beauty of dreams..

I have just noticed that a good friend of mine drew a new picture - have a look!



I find all my dreams in it, and I hope to see her soon to talk about it. I am amazed by the beauty some of us can create! Amazed!...

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Hitler and the like...

Just opened my gmail inbox after few minutes of struggling with my new modem (yes, ladies and gentlemen, Sylwia finally has her own access to the web) and found two comments to moderate. Tell you what - I do not usually have comments here, and due to my work, I know it's not such a bad thing...

Anyway, here is what I have found under my post on Polish Women's Day:
'Hitler didn't finish his job with the Polish, now they are invading Britain'
(Published)
If it were not to the other comment referring to me being a crap photographer, I would have thought it is a random racist abuse...but since it refers to two obviously strong features of my life, I feel a breeze of a known attitude. One I had to live with for a while.

Actually, let me put things into perspective - I have re-located from Hungary to the UK - country I never wanted to live in - for the sake of improving my marriage with a British citizen. I still cannot talk about it openly, but all I can say is that this person has done me a lot of damage - emotional, financial and spiritual - and I was completely victimized. It was my clear choice to move here for him and leave all my friends, artistic plans and lovely city of Budapest, so I will not accept this type of silly generalizations!

Sadly, I am an activist, and believe the lack of tolerance should not be tolerated, so here is to the anonymous coward again - comments are published for others to see and experience the abuse as such! I will not accept the fact people judge me on the basis of my origin, not my passion, so if you have nothing to add, find yourself another field for dropping shit - obviously result of some low self-esteem and lack of basic knowledge - any idiot would know Hitler was aiming to get rid of Jews, not Poles! Some of the Poles were of Jewish origin, yes, but let's not simplify, please!

Myself I have been to Auschwitz at the age of 10, and remember every single brick of it. I have seen German youth crying their hearts out in front of the Wall of Death! I have visited it two more times to finally understand what was happening there, but I could not. I did after reading Merle's 'Death is My Trade'.  I still do not accept it though. And I think about the current issues too, about the town that still cannot develop due to the weight of the burden and simple fact that no one wants to invest in the local industry, just in memories! Go on, take a tour around the museum and see if change your little mind to more complicated ideas!

Actually, I am happy to see someone who doesn't like Poles in the UK and finds me a shity photographer still reads the blog and leaves comments (both left almost the same second, which proves that they were made by one person). Also, the style of the comment(s) kind of responds to the main idea behind the blog - to bring out to the open everything I hate about the human kind. So here it is! Let's see if I get more...

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Polish version of Web 2.0 videoWeb 2.0

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surprise, surprise!

In my new flat there was only one place I have not checked yet, nor cleaned - partially because of lack of interest, partially because of the fact that someone else was always doing the cooking in my flat - I just started doing it few days ago - and this placed is called an oven.
This is what I have found there today:
Still don't get it? Let me help you: I wrote about it already, people usually do NOT put it in the over, they use a toaster...unless, they look for a great subject of a great industrial photo. Than yes, they do, and they leave it there for a few... what? hours? days? Hell knows how long you need to keep a toast int he oven to make it look like this?!:


It might be one of my best industrial pix of this year, though:)

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Previous one and this make me really enjoy on-line animations, thx to Webcut .07

Brilliant interpretation of Mother Earth, love it:) (and I am NOT a feminist!!!)

Books, home and the like...

Someone asked me once 'where is your home?'. It's a difficult question to answer and today I realized that there are still traces of disappointment in my approach to reality. I live a very peaceful, happy life - true, not perfect, but heading towards the right goals - and I still tend to be quite melancholic.
First of all I realized I just need my books to create a home (let me not talk about my son and his toys - it's quite an obvious fact he IS my home too). I came to the UK two years ago, end of March with ten books. Now I owe approx.120 of those, all for them very focussed on what I like to do (photography) or whom I like to read (Rice, Eco, Okri, Harris, Banks, Shakespeare,....) and I still haven't read 25% of those. Why? Because of my work, where lately I have spent my evenings continuing what I had to continue from the daily tasks (fair enough, has to be done).
it's time to gradually shift back the balance between the two and invest in pleasures of my own collection, so that it lives inside my head too. Because that's exactly where my home is.
A friend of mine told me she doesn't mind where she lives as long as she lives with good people. (I agree...) She also gives read books away - has no need to keep them anymore.
I think one day I might get there, but I might also become a collector - as my parents were and have a nice library at home.
This new, quiet home gave me time and space to contemplate everything that happened during last three years and how my life has changed me. I was a naive, extremely active little graduate of three faculties, when I met my son's dad. I had a daily job, evening job at a charity school, and went to concerts organized by my friends to help them out, have a beer, take photos of their performing artists and simply live la vida loca (as an opposite to my daily work at a multi firm). I was broken hearted and very romantic, so I guess I was the perfect 'match'..anyway...
I have changed. I have been changed.
I was alienated, closed in an empty box, and constantly attacked. Simply as that. My ego vanished. I became a puppet. My dreams of a perfect artist family faded away with the fog of this country...
Still, how interesting...somewhere deep inside of me a new girl evolved. A very strong, responsible, and well...wise too. And as it became clear to me that there are places in this world where people live dignified lives, I made my choice to live on my own.
I realized that all the sadness and evil I always wanted to know was there, in front of my face and I learned to love it! How bizarre...
I realized there is no way for an individual with my interests and sublime approach to life to live with another artist.
I realized I can hate.
I realized I will have to create my family on my own...and shockingly-
I realized I am capable of doing so!
I realized I am in need of my family and friends, and everyone is. We just need to learn to close the open circles, to learn something.
I realized both Rich and Siobhan are right - you live your life along the main flow, you adjust and change it according to your expectations, deepest desires, your spiritual needs. But you also have to be prepared to learn your lessons and accept the fact the life itself will shape you into someone very different, someone almost unrecognizable just to show you the other side of the mirror. So you can understand who you are and live with healthy pride.
And as Fromm was so strongly trying to preach - you learn to love the right people, but also to allow the right people to love you.

I am 30. What on earth am I going to write about in 10 years time?!

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Photoblog

My new photoblog is active now, so feel free to comment here:

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I miss Poland when I listen to this...here's to Anna, my best friend!

Jarecki, again

Bizarre

..just browsing in search for something for my book I have come across few funny sites.
We all know this:

but check the author's portfolio for other illusions - makes your braincells burn!

OK, it gets serious here: check this out - talking about crimes committed via MySpace. Hm...

And if you have not had enough, be the guest of The House, if you dare.


You can even count the time of your death, if you're interested...mine is Tuesday, March 20, 2057 - bugger, another 50 years???! ok, I am going to use a part of next 24 hrs to get some sleep. Good job I didn't enter The House:P

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Mr Miroslaw, ah, beautiful! Made me cry....I actually used to play it too:/

going mad

...while being at home I set up another blog! Ha, as if I didn't have enough of those already..well, I always wanted to have a nice photoblog, since it takes ages to upload something to my porfolio anyway, so here is is, i.e. will be...
http://sylwiapresley.aminus3.com
(I am putting the link this way, because it is not active yet)
..as soon as/if at all my first few pix will be approved.

Aminus3 is a cool engine, the customer support is quick and the interface dead easy, but nice features and 'internal' rules. No wonder it's on the 1st place on wiki's list of photoblog portals.

Me like it!

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Very funny

How far do we go with art? Or is it just an ordinary idea this person had while having breakfast toast?


Let's see more...
(Thx to Rich)

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Simon's Cat:)

It's good, it's all good...

It's so good to spend most of the day away from my laptop! We forget the old ways, really. I had to be forced to spend most of my morning in the toilet, and rest of it in bed or just hanging around the flat to realize that there is a pile of traditional letters to be written on my new, very well equipped desk, and there are two unanswered ones since more than a month! Truth, writing a letter on paper with ink (don't think I am a traditional freak, I use normal Parker pen) takes time and - sounds silly - but does require more exercise from your hand. I personally put all my soul into th letters I write - I never know what to start with, but once I do (and the received letters help) I cannot stop.
My aunt told me once that my letter are like having a conversation with her, and that is exactly what I am aiming for! Someone else said I made him feel special with my words.
Because of those people, and those very few who still write to me, I will continue, and I might write les son my blogs, but well, something for something.

Although others, who make money of writing, have different opinions:
'In a blog, everything is really mine. In print, I have to assign copyright to the journal. It's theirs. In a blog, I write, I post and *click!*, it’s up. In print, it typically takes months to make it through the peer reviewers and, if I’m lucky enough to get accepted, additional months before it’s published and mailed bulk rate. It’s not very satisfying to the writer and the topic can quickly turn obsolete.'

'I have to say that producing a book - I have four under my belt if you count my dissertation - is a draining, soul-sapping catharsis. Part of the strain is working for a long time and not knowing if any of it will be worth it. Blogging is almost the polar opposite: almost everything you write is read and used by someone. [..]A blog never stops. The deadline is always with you. Yes, even on a Sunday evening.'

'Though I rarely write letters these days, Mr H has heard me say that I would like to reclaim that form of communication.'  (check the blogging awards she received!:))

and something I completely agree with:
'letters sent through the mail, whether hand-written or typewritten, reflect a thoughtful process of action that e-mails - by their absolute ease of creation - do not represent.'

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damn bugs

I am fed up with all the bugs going around and spending time between cutting a short nap and seeing to my ill son. I do not manage well...

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If you think I like Leona Lewis:)

Embedded Video

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Leona Lewis

Embedded Video

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Next exhibition

Soon, very soon...

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talking about Poland

I met two Polish boys (via Freecycle by the way). One of them works in Wantage for Autotype on new film technologies. I learned something new about Nokia phones and their screens;) I also learned that one of the first photo films was developed by them, in Wantage!
I have met a guy with a half-Polish daughter and a very shy girlfriend. Must be shy, because when I invited him over with his pair the answer was 'Will you not eat her?' (I have the impression he thinks I'm a feminist, well there isn't much difference in my case between feminism and realism, I'm affraid :P).
Still, this statement reminded me of girl I looked up to in Budapest and made me feel good, after all the shit that has happened to me and around me.

Nice weekend and nice evening too...

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Women's Day in Poland

...completely forgot about it! (the postcard from my brilliantly old fashioned dad didn't arrive yet!:/)I opened my inbox today and got this!

Not from a man, not from a gay friend, from a girl from my high school...hm...nice roses;)

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Jarecki...

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We miss you already!

Here's to Jason, a guy whose spirit will stay with us forever!

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Anita Lipnicka and John Porter

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sometimes when I am down

You know most of the people I work with, live with or simply communicate with is quite impressed by my attitude and strength, but I tell you what - I do have my ups - I also have my downs. They happen rarely - downs, I mean - but they still get to me, and if that happens I am miserable, I cry, I neglect the world and I do hate human kind for all the faults. Sometimes it is triggered (by bad, unacceptable news about my colleague's family being shot while sleeping in their beds! just because they happened to choose life in South Africa!) and sometimes it is just the reality of my situation that gets to me (the fact I have no time to read the book I was longing for for so long and now as I got it I am just able to carry it - from work to home, from home to work).
You say I am a good mother. Well, I think I am committing myself as much as possible, but I do have hard times simply because I do it all on my own. Well, together with my lovely son, but sometimes without his co-operation. I do get so, so weak and helpless when it happens!
So please do not think I am a though girl all the time!
And do not get surprised when I am down and make mistakes - I should not, but it happens. And if so, I too deserve criticism, no matter how painful it is. At the end of the day I will be probably saved by one of my dear Angels, spread around the world, but still there, thinking of me, and letting me know how good it is to stay in touch:


I am just living my own life with my own goals, as best as possible, so please do not judge me on the basis of the cover, ok?

And if you think I am lonely - just a clarification: I like living in solitude, and solitude is good if you appreciate it and know when to stop. That silence in the house shapes me:)

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Any Given Blog

..is a very promising initiative of one of my friends, and colleagues at the same time. Looks like we all get interested in social media, sooner or later. His first post tells a lot about why we do write on the web. Read it!

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Lianfair

..sounds very innocent, but in reality it happens to be one of the longest names of towns in the world, located quite close - in Wales.

Preparing for my exhibition (since I am pressured to fill out the list of my works I decided to name them with difficult or funny names of UK villages) I have found the longest domain - of the town mentioned above, and once being there I have used the automated service of sending an e-mail to a friend.
When he started accusing me of sexual harrasment I asked him for the text of the message - se be aware when you use it!
' Subject: It's me, sending this from the World's Longest Single Word
Domain Name! - Your Own Copy To Keep

:)

PS. Why not run away with me, I've seen some beautiful holiday
properties listed on

www.FrenchHolidayHomes.com

I sent this email from
http://www.llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch.
com , the world's longest domain name, why don't you have a go!'

Not good, not good...

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iBand, cooli

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Polish British web

Thanks to Robin, I got to read this cool article with ranking of the most popular websites used by UK based Poles. Interesting, how it truly reflect the reality of the lifestyle of this minority...Also, YouTube on the 3rd place. The more I learn about social media, the more impressed I become by the Polish web. Not only seeing Polish versions of international venues amongst main languages (English, German, Spanish, etc), but also reading Polish blogs on social media and checking quality of Polish websites (Zubrowka, Frugo, Heyah, and others)

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Death unwanted!

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weekend...

So-so. One big mixture of frustration, anger, lack of time, and finally giving up and just simply resting, reading, enjoying (yes, enjoying!) photograph, and having fun with friends, meeting a new, interesting person, all finalized by this lovely sunset and giggle with my son, in his bed, when he was supposed to be asleep already;) (NOT)Ready for the upcoming week:/

Kisses to J., to my parents and my angels!

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Brilliant film! YOu have to see it!

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Just facts

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Independence

"We have to take decisions on the future of our nation," is good news. We can expect another big step in Kosovo, finally. Still, we do we all need to make it so complicated. We have enough trouble fighting the unavoidable. Eh...pity:/

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word!

Slowly I smolder away

With the last part of the hidden moon

My second nature is more vivid

The fire ball of my heart

Demolishes religions of their heritage

Crashes walls, brakes through the tides

Just to tell the truth

 

Yes, we will all die

So it’s better not to regret anything

And not to cause more pain than required

Just to pass each other with grace

With passion for every single human being

I wish I could stop crying over my own faith though…

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Kolmanskop

Please, check this out! Cool pix, great place to go to...once;)

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Very cool website on drugs!

Hey, please so check this link for more info on drugs and how you can fight them with smart design. Really cool!

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Long week

This has been a long and heavy week, and I will have all but complains, so if you're in a cloudy mood, stop reading here.
First of all, my son was ill - and I hate the feeling of the parental helplessness when our little ones are suffering, and they do not even understand why!!! He was literary sleeping, waking up and complaining in a low, very sad moan, that life is shit...well, it was!
Secondly - I got ill too - and I usually do not feel so sorry for myself, since illness is a sign to stop pushing it - the body is telling no, no, no  - but it is difficult to be ill and to take care for the other  ill creature at the same time when you cannot even digest properly...
Work, work, work - it's great to have a challenging, responsible work, but when it comes to the simple problems of having to stay in the bathroom for few sec's every hour with your son knocking on the door, even the remoteness of my work seems an abstract act.
At the top of it all my usual spring insomnia started, so I could not even get a proper rest at night - I could start working though!

As a result, I rested at home, with my son, did my work and stayed cool. That is a very, very positive interpretation of my week:P

Let's hope for a better Monday...

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Kayah...again and again:)

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Odetta!

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I wish..:) I love the clip by the way...

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Challenge

Another challenging week - I have been attacked, reported to my boss, accused; forgotten, re-discovered; found and extremely appreciated (in a random order). I finally can afford getting good equipment and develop and this makes me happy. My son is getting to be 2 years old, my family grows every single day, the distance between me and my friends vanishes.

I start to realize the heaviness of my past, when people are scared to even listen to my words - I apologize, the truth and the warnings cannot be kept in silence. I prefer to gain hundred friends and one enemy than keep my mouth shot and pretend that nothing has happened. I am alive and I was dead. Let me be who I really am.

The rest of you, f@@@ off!

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Frank Turner helps me out today...

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Days, weeks, months...

..is how I stretch my development. I learn day by day and I become more and more confident in my role and in my motherhood. I see that others at my age are just finishing their schools, starting their path and I feel more accustomed to the new beginnings. I closed the hellish circle, so I can move on now. And this comes surprisingly easily!
I had a funny conversation last weekend and I understood my higher needs - for art, music, culture, happenings, the beat of a city heart. It seems like a good prospect for all of us, people hungry for visual and spiritual feeds. Well, it is all around us, so let;s just be brave to embrace it!

I am sick of moaning and those who feel sorry for themselves just to show how important they are, not!

I have seen a photo of a lovely, 5 year old girl, who manages very well on her own without even knowing the nastiness of someone who should be very close to her, but decided to abandon  every thought of her.  How many of us felt the same way? How can I avoid it?

I still believe I can and there is not tragedy unless we generate one. That is why I hate losers ;)

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Writing, reading, writing again

Writing comes easy again. I have an inspirational source - a type of quiet awakening. And I think the old self of mine is completely rediscovered. I know now I will need to make sme changes in my life to keep up with my emotional and spiritual needs. But no worries, we are all very patient:)

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New inspiration for the new life

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White teddy;)

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For all my Hungarian friends:)

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Wishes

Simply:
I am...Polish
I am half-Hungarian
I am in the UK
I am a woman
I am an agnostic
I am a mom
I am single
I am a poet and a photographer

I have talents
I have obligations
I have challenges

I have loves
I have enemies
I have faithful friends

I am 30. The happiest times of my life!:) So i have no wishes this year, just the same piece of mind:)

But I do wish you all pure reality in its best version: health, success at work and any other important commitments, happiness with your families and most of all smile every morning and joy of life - goodness all around you and ability to see it even in harder moments to come!

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My Chemical Romance - sounds good for today! Happy New Year!:)

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Happy New Year to all my friends and readers! - Bulat Okudzhava Molitva (Prayer)

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Jacek Wojciski, A my nie chcemy

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Kasztany, Edyta Gorniak

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The Voice ...of the future...and a few songs that make my sould cry!

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Satantango, Tarr Bela

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and 'love is here again...what for?'

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Demons

It's so slow...the time I have now, and the fact I am not alerted by work issues constantly opened the gates for the demon of my past to re-appear so I am spending my time remembering the last 3 years and evaluating each wrong done to me. It's painful but it's a process towards the purification and there is no one who could or should stop it.

I wake up few times in the night remembering...and all this shit comes out hanging above my head....Like in the song 'there's a demon under my bed...there's an anger with a hand on my head' - only that the hand is my own. I bring myself back to the reality of my own, independent, peaceful and dignified presence. I open my laptop and upload new photos, re-create our garden, my son's smile, his eyes...

I still fear him and I still am very weary and silent.

I am already past the physical pain and fear though. I am through with psychological studies of this social, sadly popular problem. I need to face my demon now and clear my soul.

All right, some of you don't believe in the spiritual, but I do, and I am convinced it is the center of my universe - no human being can tough it, so I do admit - am an egotist. I keep it to myself and if - as this person - anyone dares to step and make a mess in there - be aware!!! I can be wild, cruel, cold and very patient with my revenge. Once it is disgraced, there is no thing in this world to stop my anger.

And I, myself, am scared of the strength of my anger.

A very kind new friend of mine told me that I am very strong. I think we are both strong and weak - all the time. I am just as miserable and useless sometimes, as strong and brave. So I think he saw just the surface...kind words nonetheless.

I was humiliated and ignored to such an extreme before Christmas, that something broke in me and I still have no idea what will be the consequence of it for my life and work. I think I will become more cold at work, and more sensitive and poetic in my private life - just to keep the harmony going. Only the wise will be able to see the whole person. Only those derserve my respect. The rest is ...well...'silence':)

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Океан Ельзи - Без бою

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insomnia

got to me again...stuck between pain and fear of death; calmness of family re-union and wildness of new photographic equipment I am reading and writing again. I am no longer silent and cannot sleep...I cannot keep calm my soul...I am flooded by the amount of time left...and time chasing me. And believe me, it's not my age I am worried about. It's my sons larger and larger shirts I am ironing, and my fathers quiet suffering when his heart stops for a second and his fear of not waking up.
He had a hard life with my mother, my brother...but mainly with me - his favorite child! O, how many times have i let him down! And how hard I am trying not to do that again.

I hope one day someone will notice his fearless powers and endless urge to live with dignity...maybe in one of my photos.


Now, we are all waiting:/

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Last thoughs

...before Christmas. Evaluation of this years achievements, failures, mistakes and conscious developments....I am better off than last year ...still in minus though.
(Today my motivation was seriously undermined, my self-motivation, let me ad..ah, what a waist of time!)
Can we please start appreciating, not only attacking and blaming, and teaching how to be better!?
If we could all see how short live is..maybe...

I will be 30 in two weeks. I am about halfway there, so I think I start to be more careful when it comes to my private time management.

As someone said - life is art, art is life. Not all art is creative, not all creative is art, I am afraid.

I am still in the right team though and yes, I will walk through the circles of el infierno, but I am willing to burn if that's the price to pay for having feelings and for thinking clearly, representing the truth.

Fuck the rest.

Oh, and yes, Merry Christmas to all! Specially you!;)

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Mehico, eresmi corazon!

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Polish reality..differs..

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Just for those guys I will learn Spanish!

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Sunflowers

I've been to the National Gallery yesterday...
Disappointed, tired, fed up, sad, lonely, angry, upset...unmotivated, felt like turning back...
I entered the room with Van Gogh's 'Sunflowers' and 'Chair'
The time stopped.
I became a white page, BLANK!

Just one second, and like a child everything changed....
Stable, full of reason and purpose, quiet and steady, tender and confident...

I've seen real art that lived centuries and will still hang there when I pass away.

What can I say?
I kept quiet eve when I met my friends...happy people in Europe do not ask others questions (we tend to tell others stuff, not be asked to do so, which I usually do not like), and that I don;t have to talk about it. Had a quick chat about it with Javi, who knows the place well, and changed the topic.

White, white page....like the winter in my homeland.:)