Sunday, 16 March 2008

Books, home and the like...

Someone asked me once 'where is your home?'. It's a difficult question to answer and today I realized that there are still traces of disappointment in my approach to reality. I live a very peaceful, happy life - true, not perfect, but heading towards the right goals - and I still tend to be quite melancholic.
First of all I realized I just need my books to create a home (let me not talk about my son and his toys - it's quite an obvious fact he IS my home too). I came to the UK two years ago, end of March with ten books. Now I owe approx.120 of those, all for them very focussed on what I like to do (photography) or whom I like to read (Rice, Eco, Okri, Harris, Banks, Shakespeare,....) and I still haven't read 25% of those. Why? Because of my work, where lately I have spent my evenings continuing what I had to continue from the daily tasks (fair enough, has to be done).
it's time to gradually shift back the balance between the two and invest in pleasures of my own collection, so that it lives inside my head too. Because that's exactly where my home is.
A friend of mine told me she doesn't mind where she lives as long as she lives with good people. (I agree...) She also gives read books away - has no need to keep them anymore.
I think one day I might get there, but I might also become a collector - as my parents were and have a nice library at home.
This new, quiet home gave me time and space to contemplate everything that happened during last three years and how my life has changed me. I was a naive, extremely active little graduate of three faculties, when I met my son's dad. I had a daily job, evening job at a charity school, and went to concerts organized by my friends to help them out, have a beer, take photos of their performing artists and simply live la vida loca (as an opposite to my daily work at a multi firm). I was broken hearted and very romantic, so I guess I was the perfect 'match'..anyway...
I have changed. I have been changed.
I was alienated, closed in an empty box, and constantly attacked. Simply as that. My ego vanished. I became a puppet. My dreams of a perfect artist family faded away with the fog of this country...
Still, how interesting...somewhere deep inside of me a new girl evolved. A very strong, responsible, and well...wise too. And as it became clear to me that there are places in this world where people live dignified lives, I made my choice to live on my own.
I realized that all the sadness and evil I always wanted to know was there, in front of my face and I learned to love it! How bizarre...
I realized there is no way for an individual with my interests and sublime approach to life to live with another artist.
I realized I can hate.
I realized I will have to create my family on my own...and shockingly-
I realized I am capable of doing so!
I realized I am in need of my family and friends, and everyone is. We just need to learn to close the open circles, to learn something.
I realized both Rich and Siobhan are right - you live your life along the main flow, you adjust and change it according to your expectations, deepest desires, your spiritual needs. But you also have to be prepared to learn your lessons and accept the fact the life itself will shape you into someone very different, someone almost unrecognizable just to show you the other side of the mirror. So you can understand who you are and live with healthy pride.
And as Fromm was so strongly trying to preach - you learn to love the right people, but also to allow the right people to love you.

I am 30. What on earth am I going to write about in 10 years time?!

Blogged with Flock

No comments: