Friday, 28 December 2007


It's so slow...the time I have now, and the fact I am not alerted by work issues constantly opened the gates for the demon of my past to re-appear so I am spending my time remembering the last 3 years and evaluating each wrong done to me. It's painful but it's a process towards the purification and there is no one who could or should stop it.

I wake up few times in the night remembering...and all this shit comes out hanging above my head....Like in the song 'there's a demon under my bed...there's an anger with a hand on my head' - only that the hand is my own. I bring myself back to the reality of my own, independent, peaceful and dignified presence. I open my laptop and upload new photos, re-create our garden, my son's smile, his eyes...

I still fear him and I still am very weary and silent.

I am already past the physical pain and fear though. I am through with psychological studies of this social, sadly popular problem. I need to face my demon now and clear my soul.

All right, some of you don't believe in the spiritual, but I do, and I am convinced it is the center of my universe - no human being can tough it, so I do admit - am an egotist. I keep it to myself and if - as this person - anyone dares to step and make a mess in there - be aware!!! I can be wild, cruel, cold and very patient with my revenge. Once it is disgraced, there is no thing in this world to stop my anger.

And I, myself, am scared of the strength of my anger.

A very kind new friend of mine told me that I am very strong. I think we are both strong and weak - all the time. I am just as miserable and useless sometimes, as strong and brave. So I think he saw just the surface...kind words nonetheless.

I was humiliated and ignored to such an extreme before Christmas, that something broke in me and I still have no idea what will be the consequence of it for my life and work. I think I will become more cold at work, and more sensitive and poetic in my private life - just to keep the harmony going. Only the wise will be able to see the whole person. Only those derserve my respect. The rest is ...well...'silence':)

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