insomnia

got to me again...stuck between pain and fear of death; calmness of family re-union and wildness of new photographic equipment I am reading and writing again. I am no longer silent and cannot sleep...I cannot keep calm my soul...I am flooded by the amount of time left...and time chasing me. And believe me, it's not my age I am worried about. It's my sons larger and larger shirts I am ironing, and my fathers quiet suffering when his heart stops for a second and his fear of not waking up.
He had a hard life with my mother, my brother...but mainly with me - his favorite child! O, how many times have i let him down! And how hard I am trying not to do that again.

I hope one day someone will notice his fearless powers and endless urge to live with dignity...maybe in one of my photos.


Now, we are all waiting:/

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Last thoughs

...before Christmas. Evaluation of this years achievements, failures, mistakes and conscious developments....I am better off than last year ...still in minus though.
(Today my motivation was seriously undermined, my self-motivation, let me ad..ah, what a waist of time!)
Can we please start appreciating, not only attacking and blaming, and teaching how to be better!?
If we could all see how short live is..maybe...

I will be 30 in two weeks. I am about halfway there, so I think I start to be more careful when it comes to my private time management.

As someone said - life is art, art is life. Not all art is creative, not all creative is art, I am afraid.

I am still in the right team though and yes, I will walk through the circles of el infierno, but I am willing to burn if that's the price to pay for having feelings and for thinking clearly, representing the truth.

Fuck the rest.

Oh, and yes, Merry Christmas to all! Specially you!;)

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