Girl With a One Track Mind

Before I try to relate to all the Hungarian and Polish reviews of the book, let me share with you my personal experience of reading the book...

Shortly: it put me back to my place, it opened the long forgotten emotional sensors. Actually reading it came together with both my exhibitions and the full set of amazing experiences (feedback from all the viewers, newly met artist fellows, lovely atmosphere of two last weekends - one with and one without my son, perfect weather and non-commercial relaxed life filling me up with new ideas for next year) closed the chapter of my sad marriage, brought back the old me who trusts the beauty of the world and the craziness of human kind.
Once again, I know who I want to be. I know what I want. I choose the people I want to be friends with. I ignore the assholes/lesses. I have re-discovered the inner source of energy and feel I can do so much more!

Abby Lee's book gave only the ground of openness and sensuality for all those re-discoveries, still - without the book I would most probably move over the beautiful moments without even noticing them. And believe me, only 0.01% of them was connected to sexuality as such!

Well done, impressively honest and well written!

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SeaLand 2

I need to learn to love my pictures just as J. loves his paintings - with passion, with maternal love, with obligation and with sacrifice...I am sending them now to get them developed and as I work out the framing I start to see what has become of them. I was making them just to keep the moments alive - like a way of writing them down, a diary of new kind.
Today they seem to exist on their own.
I have given away all pictures form my first exhibition and I hear lovely stories about their present owners. Jack is happier whenever he looks at 'Rage', Anna's only flowers in her tiny room currently are 'Tulips', I see 'Corruption' still on Klara's shelf every time I visit her.
I am happy they have found new homes. And even though I am just as flexible about my work as any other blogger, I do find some printouts magical - simply because they carry a story - each one of them a different message and different past, presence and future.'A rose is a rose is a rose'  - quoting someone great and famous;)

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low blood pressure

It is used to be a stupid joke of my husband but gets f@ serious! I have extremely low blood pressure and I managed to identify three standard reasons for it:
1. Genetic
2. irregular eating
3. stress

So...what we need to do is: increase the intake of salt (I hate salty food), continue with 4 cups of coffee a day (wow! I am allowed), drink 8 glasses of water/day and at least glass of red wine/week, massage my feet int he morning and meditate int he evenings, swim as much as possible, take long walks after work (helps to relax, by no means) and drink ginger tea...last one is going to be challenging due to the fact that as a tea lover I am just in the middle of my 'rose tea' period, and it will be difficult to give up on it:/

But I will motivate myself with bits of chocolate from Costa Rica brought kindly by Siobhan. I really appreciate the thought!:)



To get rid of the headaches I need to do the new set of glasses - pc screens are killing me! I feel literary sick!

And once again I need to see the GP.

Getting old sucks...

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survival

Survival is based on ability to adjust. Human nature needs explanations to be able to cope with the unknown. When I had a car accident I had no time to live my death experience fully, so I became disorientated and hypersensitive for months afterwards. I was told I had to digest the death sooner or later somehow. When the car hit me I was peaceful. I came to realize - oh, how painfully - that I am ready for it any second of my life. Why? Well, sometime at the age of 17 I read a vampire chronicle (Anne Rice) and grasped the unfairness of life given to us, and taken whenever planned/wanted. The pots, the music, instruments themselves will stay and I will have to walk away into the dark. Some of us leave names. Some of us smolder away. All the organs we grow, demolish and misuse, ignore and not know of suddenly stop and refuse the service. There is no fairness, no sense and no justification in that. So we look for alternatives. We create. We shout. We protest. We give up. We gave birth. We kill.
With all this I feel hopeless, so all I can do is to live every single moment of my life based on zen philosophy, i.e. HERE AND NOW. As if it were the last one, but not to the extremes. Just thoughtfully. If I rest I do nothing. I am scared, I tremble. If I am angry, I throw things around. If I am happy I dance. If I love, I stop breathing. If I listen, I make notes. If I speak, I know people do not always listen. I take ordinary risks from the moment I open my eyes.
So no matter where I am, with whom, how old or rich...I see myself in the mirror and smile.

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broken words

I am not a product, nor a subject. I am the spear moment between two words, the unspoken truth. The harder I try to define myself, the clearer it becomes that the final stop is a play of signs, a constant movement, an association. I am cultivating all the symbols, names and their meanings, tattoo. The 'I' enriches the mosaic of my self-portrait by measurement of the color of my eyes - the scale from dark green to yellow. I am not definite, nor defined. 'You soy un flow' (Orishas)
The choices I make I measure in terms of actions and reactions. Every action evokes a reaction. There are good and bad people, but there is no good nor bad deeds. Only mistakes. Wrong action means painful, destructive, dangerous reaction.
I choose based on self awareness and logic. Faith has nothing to do with it. Faith helps to sustain the flow.

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I

I always start with myself. I am the center of this universe. I speak those words, so I must be right! When did this world begin?

Since I can remember. I stand for my values, because I was the one who choose them form all that is given. I choose my

favourites, my clothes, my tears, my colors. I am the creator and the observer. The reality changes in MY eyes, eyes of the

beholder. I command my muscles to make the gesture. I allow myself to have an orgasm. And sometimes...sometimes it is I who lets

it all out.
I decide to be happy, to make myself one if needed be.
I never take drugs, since my 'I' is wild enough.
I begin with myself.
I end with self destruction.
I am reborn out of my own ashes.

They are an appendix.

I start each sentence with myself. I is just a letter, representing the endlessness of my mind

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Time and the like

yes, it has been a while since my last post. Simply because I was busy catching up with my work after two large projects aside of my regular work. One of them got back to normal, another one - I got involved into too much and now I feel the pain of disappointment - so I need to backup a bit.
Anyway. In the meantime my ex is leaving company. Well, you guess...
Dawid is enjoying the fact he can fall out of his bed - since I took of the cot part and now he has a bed for 'big boys':) He ends up sleeping with me, but I trust it will change.
Time is healing his willingness to stay with me all day - he likes going to the nursery again, the freshly painted heaven full of girls (Catherina!) and friendly boys (Thomas, Charlie) whom he is so charming to introduce to me every single morning, again and again:)

Tonight I am taking time off - I need to do some writing and finish Coelho. There are ten new books on my shelf waiting to be read. Jummy! Just to make myself feel better after I didn't make it to Ben Okri during Oxford Literary Festival. Well, next year;)

I am listening to Ruarri's 'Tales...' (CD I finally managed to find time to order!), ate full bawl of ice-cream and just about to enjoy my new Chinese rose tea, hmmm...

Talking about time, I have found a cool screen saver. Pity, it's not for free - I don't see the point of paying for gadgets in general, this one might be tempting though...


Nightnight!

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Books, home and the like...

Someone asked me once 'where is your home?'. It's a difficult question to answer and today I realized that there are still traces of disappointment in my approach to reality. I live a very peaceful, happy life - true, not perfect, but heading towards the right goals - and I still tend to be quite melancholic.
First of all I realized I just need my books to create a home (let me not talk about my son and his toys - it's quite an obvious fact he IS my home too). I came to the UK two years ago, end of March with ten books. Now I owe approx.120 of those, all for them very focussed on what I like to do (photography) or whom I like to read (Rice, Eco, Okri, Harris, Banks, Shakespeare,....) and I still haven't read 25% of those. Why? Because of my work, where lately I have spent my evenings continuing what I had to continue from the daily tasks (fair enough, has to be done).
it's time to gradually shift back the balance between the two and invest in pleasures of my own collection, so that it lives inside my head too. Because that's exactly where my home is.
A friend of mine told me she doesn't mind where she lives as long as she lives with good people. (I agree...) She also gives read books away - has no need to keep them anymore.
I think one day I might get there, but I might also become a collector - as my parents were and have a nice library at home.
This new, quiet home gave me time and space to contemplate everything that happened during last three years and how my life has changed me. I was a naive, extremely active little graduate of three faculties, when I met my son's dad. I had a daily job, evening job at a charity school, and went to concerts organized by my friends to help them out, have a beer, take photos of their performing artists and simply live la vida loca (as an opposite to my daily work at a multi firm). I was broken hearted and very romantic, so I guess I was the perfect 'match'..anyway...
I have changed. I have been changed.
I was alienated, closed in an empty box, and constantly attacked. Simply as that. My ego vanished. I became a puppet. My dreams of a perfect artist family faded away with the fog of this country...
Still, how interesting...somewhere deep inside of me a new girl evolved. A very strong, responsible, and well...wise too. And as it became clear to me that there are places in this world where people live dignified lives, I made my choice to live on my own.
I realized that all the sadness and evil I always wanted to know was there, in front of my face and I learned to love it! How bizarre...
I realized there is no way for an individual with my interests and sublime approach to life to live with another artist.
I realized I can hate.
I realized I will have to create my family on my own...and shockingly-
I realized I am capable of doing so!
I realized I am in need of my family and friends, and everyone is. We just need to learn to close the open circles, to learn something.
I realized both Rich and Siobhan are right - you live your life along the main flow, you adjust and change it according to your expectations, deepest desires, your spiritual needs. But you also have to be prepared to learn your lessons and accept the fact the life itself will shape you into someone very different, someone almost unrecognizable just to show you the other side of the mirror. So you can understand who you are and live with healthy pride.
And as Fromm was so strongly trying to preach - you learn to love the right people, but also to allow the right people to love you.

I am 30. What on earth am I going to write about in 10 years time?!

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sometimes when I am down

You know most of the people I work with, live with or simply communicate with is quite impressed by my attitude and strength, but I tell you what - I do have my ups - I also have my downs. They happen rarely - downs, I mean - but they still get to me, and if that happens I am miserable, I cry, I neglect the world and I do hate human kind for all the faults. Sometimes it is triggered (by bad, unacceptable news about my colleague's family being shot while sleeping in their beds! just because they happened to choose life in South Africa!) and sometimes it is just the reality of my situation that gets to me (the fact I have no time to read the book I was longing for for so long and now as I got it I am just able to carry it - from work to home, from home to work).
You say I am a good mother. Well, I think I am committing myself as much as possible, but I do have hard times simply because I do it all on my own. Well, together with my lovely son, but sometimes without his co-operation. I do get so, so weak and helpless when it happens!
So please do not think I am a though girl all the time!
And do not get surprised when I am down and make mistakes - I should not, but it happens. And if so, I too deserve criticism, no matter how painful it is. At the end of the day I will be probably saved by one of my dear Angels, spread around the world, but still there, thinking of me, and letting me know how good it is to stay in touch:


I am just living my own life with my own goals, as best as possible, so please do not judge me on the basis of the cover, ok?

And if you think I am lonely - just a clarification: I like living in solitude, and solitude is good if you appreciate it and know when to stop. That silence in the house shapes me:)

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Long week

This has been a long and heavy week, and I will have all but complains, so if you're in a cloudy mood, stop reading here.
First of all, my son was ill - and I hate the feeling of the parental helplessness when our little ones are suffering, and they do not even understand why!!! He was literary sleeping, waking up and complaining in a low, very sad moan, that life is shit...well, it was!
Secondly - I got ill too - and I usually do not feel so sorry for myself, since illness is a sign to stop pushing it - the body is telling no, no, no  - but it is difficult to be ill and to take care for the other  ill creature at the same time when you cannot even digest properly...
Work, work, work - it's great to have a challenging, responsible work, but when it comes to the simple problems of having to stay in the bathroom for few sec's every hour with your son knocking on the door, even the remoteness of my work seems an abstract act.
At the top of it all my usual spring insomnia started, so I could not even get a proper rest at night - I could start working though!

As a result, I rested at home, with my son, did my work and stayed cool. That is a very, very positive interpretation of my week:P

Let's hope for a better Monday...

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Days, weeks, months...

..is how I stretch my development. I learn day by day and I become more and more confident in my role and in my motherhood. I see that others at my age are just finishing their schools, starting their path and I feel more accustomed to the new beginnings. I closed the hellish circle, so I can move on now. And this comes surprisingly easily!
I had a funny conversation last weekend and I understood my higher needs - for art, music, culture, happenings, the beat of a city heart. It seems like a good prospect for all of us, people hungry for visual and spiritual feeds. Well, it is all around us, so let;s just be brave to embrace it!

I am sick of moaning and those who feel sorry for themselves just to show how important they are, not!

I have seen a photo of a lovely, 5 year old girl, who manages very well on her own without even knowing the nastiness of someone who should be very close to her, but decided to abandon  every thought of her.  How many of us felt the same way? How can I avoid it?

I still believe I can and there is not tragedy unless we generate one. That is why I hate losers ;)

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New inspiration for the new life

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insomnia

got to me again...stuck between pain and fear of death; calmness of family re-union and wildness of new photographic equipment I am reading and writing again. I am no longer silent and cannot sleep...I cannot keep calm my soul...I am flooded by the amount of time left...and time chasing me. And believe me, it's not my age I am worried about. It's my sons larger and larger shirts I am ironing, and my fathers quiet suffering when his heart stops for a second and his fear of not waking up.
He had a hard life with my mother, my brother...but mainly with me - his favorite child! O, how many times have i let him down! And how hard I am trying not to do that again.

I hope one day someone will notice his fearless powers and endless urge to live with dignity...maybe in one of my photos.


Now, we are all waiting:/

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