survival

Survival is based on ability to adjust. Human nature needs explanations to be able to cope with the unknown. When I had a car accident I had no time to live my death experience fully, so I became disorientated and hypersensitive for months afterwards. I was told I had to digest the death sooner or later somehow. When the car hit me I was peaceful. I came to realize - oh, how painfully - that I am ready for it any second of my life. Why? Well, sometime at the age of 17 I read a vampire chronicle (Anne Rice) and grasped the unfairness of life given to us, and taken whenever planned/wanted. The pots, the music, instruments themselves will stay and I will have to walk away into the dark. Some of us leave names. Some of us smolder away. All the organs we grow, demolish and misuse, ignore and not know of suddenly stop and refuse the service. There is no fairness, no sense and no justification in that. So we look for alternatives. We create. We shout. We protest. We give up. We gave birth. We kill.
With all this I feel hopeless, so all I can do is to live every single moment of my life based on zen philosophy, i.e. HERE AND NOW. As if it were the last one, but not to the extremes. Just thoughtfully. If I rest I do nothing. I am scared, I tremble. If I am angry, I throw things around. If I am happy I dance. If I love, I stop breathing. If I listen, I make notes. If I speak, I know people do not always listen. I take ordinary risks from the moment I open my eyes.
So no matter where I am, with whom, how old or rich...I see myself in the mirror and smile.

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