Spain winning, Spanish too

Tonight is the night of Spanish victory (what a coincidence!), but my evening is quite. I am celebrating watching my favorite Spanish film again. I wanted to be alone tonight, and it happened to be so. I started to write my Hungarian blog, so I can pull my new thoughts together, but I think I managed quite well. I like those times when soul comes first, few free moments squeezed in between the lines of work, motherhood, friendship:)
Last week I dreamed about love - physical, emotional, spiritual. I saw a man and a woman, I saw nature and the unnatural, I saw darkness and I saw the eternal, the endless whiteness.
Yes, JJv was right, I do have a secret. I can live on my own, and with keep it just for myself. Or I can share it and become more than one person.
As for now, me is more than enough.

I am happy though that Jv and my colleagues will celebrate their victory tonight. They have football int heir blood. They deserve it.

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@answerme vs. twitter, day of a blondie

Just read about @anserme but I think I am not using it right. Seems to be described as a useful tool, but for me it's a bit too much. Oh, well, Twitter does move towards a leading scape, so who knows...
I searched for 'blog' and came up with this:Third question had only 3 answers, so I guess it needs to kick-off more.
*
In the meantime the well established Flickr before I even managed to upload my new pix greeted me with a language lesson, which I have not noticed before (I do tent to focus only on what I NEED! and I AM blond)
Maybe it's a bit childish, but I do like those ideas. So... I know how to greet people in Korean, but how do I say 'nightnight'?:)

Books, home and the like...

Someone asked me once 'where is your home?'. It's a difficult question to answer and today I realized that there are still traces of disappointment in my approach to reality. I live a very peaceful, happy life - true, not perfect, but heading towards the right goals - and I still tend to be quite melancholic.
First of all I realized I just need my books to create a home (let me not talk about my son and his toys - it's quite an obvious fact he IS my home too). I came to the UK two years ago, end of March with ten books. Now I owe approx.120 of those, all for them very focussed on what I like to do (photography) or whom I like to read (Rice, Eco, Okri, Harris, Banks, Shakespeare,....) and I still haven't read 25% of those. Why? Because of my work, where lately I have spent my evenings continuing what I had to continue from the daily tasks (fair enough, has to be done).
it's time to gradually shift back the balance between the two and invest in pleasures of my own collection, so that it lives inside my head too. Because that's exactly where my home is.
A friend of mine told me she doesn't mind where she lives as long as she lives with good people. (I agree...) She also gives read books away - has no need to keep them anymore.
I think one day I might get there, but I might also become a collector - as my parents were and have a nice library at home.
This new, quiet home gave me time and space to contemplate everything that happened during last three years and how my life has changed me. I was a naive, extremely active little graduate of three faculties, when I met my son's dad. I had a daily job, evening job at a charity school, and went to concerts organized by my friends to help them out, have a beer, take photos of their performing artists and simply live la vida loca (as an opposite to my daily work at a multi firm). I was broken hearted and very romantic, so I guess I was the perfect 'match'..anyway...
I have changed. I have been changed.
I was alienated, closed in an empty box, and constantly attacked. Simply as that. My ego vanished. I became a puppet. My dreams of a perfect artist family faded away with the fog of this country...
Still, how interesting...somewhere deep inside of me a new girl evolved. A very strong, responsible, and well...wise too. And as it became clear to me that there are places in this world where people live dignified lives, I made my choice to live on my own.
I realized that all the sadness and evil I always wanted to know was there, in front of my face and I learned to love it! How bizarre...
I realized there is no way for an individual with my interests and sublime approach to life to live with another artist.
I realized I can hate.
I realized I will have to create my family on my own...and shockingly-
I realized I am capable of doing so!
I realized I am in need of my family and friends, and everyone is. We just need to learn to close the open circles, to learn something.
I realized both Rich and Siobhan are right - you live your life along the main flow, you adjust and change it according to your expectations, deepest desires, your spiritual needs. But you also have to be prepared to learn your lessons and accept the fact the life itself will shape you into someone very different, someone almost unrecognizable just to show you the other side of the mirror. So you can understand who you are and live with healthy pride.
And as Fromm was so strongly trying to preach - you learn to love the right people, but also to allow the right people to love you.

I am 30. What on earth am I going to write about in 10 years time?!

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going mad

...while being at home I set up another blog! Ha, as if I didn't have enough of those already..well, I always wanted to have a nice photoblog, since it takes ages to upload something to my porfolio anyway, so here is is, i.e. will be...
http://sylwiapresley.aminus3.com
(I am putting the link this way, because it is not active yet)
..as soon as/if at all my first few pix will be approved.

Aminus3 is a cool engine, the customer support is quick and the interface dead easy, but nice features and 'internal' rules. No wonder it's on the 1st place on wiki's list of photoblog portals.

Me like it!

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sometimes when I am down

You know most of the people I work with, live with or simply communicate with is quite impressed by my attitude and strength, but I tell you what - I do have my ups - I also have my downs. They happen rarely - downs, I mean - but they still get to me, and if that happens I am miserable, I cry, I neglect the world and I do hate human kind for all the faults. Sometimes it is triggered (by bad, unacceptable news about my colleague's family being shot while sleeping in their beds! just because they happened to choose life in South Africa!) and sometimes it is just the reality of my situation that gets to me (the fact I have no time to read the book I was longing for for so long and now as I got it I am just able to carry it - from work to home, from home to work).
You say I am a good mother. Well, I think I am committing myself as much as possible, but I do have hard times simply because I do it all on my own. Well, together with my lovely son, but sometimes without his co-operation. I do get so, so weak and helpless when it happens!
So please do not think I am a though girl all the time!
And do not get surprised when I am down and make mistakes - I should not, but it happens. And if so, I too deserve criticism, no matter how painful it is. At the end of the day I will be probably saved by one of my dear Angels, spread around the world, but still there, thinking of me, and letting me know how good it is to stay in touch:


I am just living my own life with my own goals, as best as possible, so please do not judge me on the basis of the cover, ok?

And if you think I am lonely - just a clarification: I like living in solitude, and solitude is good if you appreciate it and know when to stop. That silence in the house shapes me:)

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The way forward

..is to make plans. It's human. It's natural. It helps to survive.

Yes, I am silent, not lonely. My Angel is right. Yes. I do live the moment. The other One is right as well.

How would it feel to be comforted when the illness is eating my heart out and my son is knocking on the door (the feeling of solitude reinforced by the two people sitting in the other room, sitting:))? How would it feel to wake up next to someone? How would it feel to wait, to promise, to give presents, to take into consideration other's moods and needs?

I imagine good, but life is different. It takes power and patience to compromise. Those I have not at the moment. It takes courage and pride to show the smile on your face, and this is the most challenging of all...

I think I am feeling a need for something better, because this is our human nature. I am healing quickly. I no longer ache when passing by the roundabout at Appleton. And I no longer blame men, the silent ex-girlfriends and myself for what happened to me. I no longer walk the streets measuring and filtering the world through statistics of well...domestic abuse, is it? No. I am no longer the weakened one.

I read, watch, listen and make plans out of all of those things I have lost for three things. I pretty much enjoy charity and helping others - the more, the better. I cry when I see the results and happiness - I always felt the rightness of those, but now I myself now how it feels. I see possibilities and countries I will live in, go to, bring back on my photos. I see my son's future, bright one.

I measure my family in different terms. I see them in their world and time and space. No longer in mine. I learned to let it go.

I fear anger though and try to avoid it.maybe it will pass or maybe that's my lesson. Anger is a waste of energy and unanswered questions. Anger is attack and this has to be neutralized, not confronted. Every person around me living and truly worshiping anger is being pushed away, silenced, if not ignored. I have no time to live their, your anger! I am a free and quite a positive person, so let me be one and deal with your weaknesses in your own time, your own head. Anger is a virus, so try not to spread it, please....
And do not blame me for turning my back.

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