Sunday, 18 November 2007

The way forward to make plans. It's human. It's natural. It helps to survive.

Yes, I am silent, not lonely. My Angel is right. Yes. I do live the moment. The other One is right as well.

How would it feel to be comforted when the illness is eating my heart out and my son is knocking on the door (the feeling of solitude reinforced by the two people sitting in the other room, sitting:))? How would it feel to wake up next to someone? How would it feel to wait, to promise, to give presents, to take into consideration other's moods and needs?

I imagine good, but life is different. It takes power and patience to compromise. Those I have not at the moment. It takes courage and pride to show the smile on your face, and this is the most challenging of all...

I think I am feeling a need for something better, because this is our human nature. I am healing quickly. I no longer ache when passing by the roundabout at Appleton. And I no longer blame men, the silent ex-girlfriends and myself for what happened to me. I no longer walk the streets measuring and filtering the world through statistics of well...domestic abuse, is it? No. I am no longer the weakened one.

I read, watch, listen and make plans out of all of those things I have lost for three things. I pretty much enjoy charity and helping others - the more, the better. I cry when I see the results and happiness - I always felt the rightness of those, but now I myself now how it feels. I see possibilities and countries I will live in, go to, bring back on my photos. I see my son's future, bright one.

I measure my family in different terms. I see them in their world and time and space. No longer in mine. I learned to let it go.

I fear anger though and try to avoid it.maybe it will pass or maybe that's my lesson. Anger is a waste of energy and unanswered questions. Anger is attack and this has to be neutralized, not confronted. Every person around me living and truly worshiping anger is being pushed away, silenced, if not ignored. I have no time to live their, your anger! I am a free and quite a positive person, so let me be one and deal with your weaknesses in your own time, your own head. Anger is a virus, so try not to spread it, please....
And do not blame me for turning my back.

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