Blogged with Flock
Monday, 31 December 2007
Friday, 28 December 2007
Demons
It's so slow...the time I have now, and the fact I am not alerted by work issues constantly opened the gates for the demon of my past to re-appear so I am spending my time remembering the last 3 years and evaluating each wrong done to me. It's painful but it's a process towards the purification and there is no one who could or should stop it.
I wake up few times in the night remembering...and all this shit comes out hanging above my head....Like in the song 'there's a demon under my bed...there's an anger with a hand on my head' - only that the hand is my own. I bring myself back to the reality of my own, independent, peaceful and dignified presence. I open my laptop and upload new photos, re-create our garden, my son's smile, his eyes...
I still fear him and I still am very weary and silent.
I am already past the physical pain and fear though. I am through with psychological studies of this social, sadly popular problem. I need to face my demon now and clear my soul.
All right, some of you don't believe in the spiritual, but I do, and I am convinced it is the center of my universe - no human being can tough it, so I do admit - am an egotist. I keep it to myself and if - as this person - anyone dares to step and make a mess in there - be aware!!! I can be wild, cruel, cold and very patient with my revenge. Once it is disgraced, there is no thing in this world to stop my anger.
And I, myself, am scared of the strength of my anger.
A very kind new friend of mine told me that I am very strong. I think we are both strong and weak - all the time. I am just as miserable and useless sometimes, as strong and brave. So I think he saw just the surface...kind words nonetheless.
I was humiliated and ignored to such an extreme before Christmas, that something broke in me and I still have no idea what will be the consequence of it for my life and work. I think I will become more cold at work, and more sensitive and poetic in my private life - just to keep the harmony going. Only the wise will be able to see the whole person. Only those derserve my respect. The rest is ...well...'silence':)
Blogged with Flock
Tuesday, 25 December 2007
insomnia
got to me again...stuck between pain and fear of death; calmness of family re-union and wildness of new photographic equipment I am reading and writing again. I am no longer silent and cannot sleep...I cannot keep calm my soul...I am flooded by the amount of time left...and time chasing me. And believe me, it's not my age I am worried about. It's my sons larger and larger shirts I am ironing, and my fathers quiet suffering when his heart stops for a second and his fear of not waking up.
He had a hard life with my mother, my brother...but mainly with me - his favorite child! O, how many times have i let him down! And how hard I am trying not to do that again.
I hope one day someone will notice his fearless powers and endless urge to live with dignity...maybe in one of my photos.
Now, we are all waiting:/
Blogged with Flock
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
Last thoughs
...before Christmas. Evaluation of this years achievements, failures, mistakes and conscious developments....I am better off than last year ...still in minus though.
(Today my motivation was seriously undermined, my self-motivation, let me ad..ah, what a waist of time!)
Can we please start appreciating, not only attacking and blaming, and teaching how to be better!?
If we could all see how short live is..maybe...
I will be 30 in two weeks. I am about halfway there, so I think I start to be more careful when it comes to my private time management.
As someone said - life is art, art is life. Not all art is creative, not all creative is art, I am afraid.
I am still in the right team though and yes, I will walk through the circles of el infierno, but I am willing to burn if that's the price to pay for having feelings and for thinking clearly, representing the truth.
Fuck the rest.
Oh, and yes, Merry Christmas to all! Specially you!;)
Blogged with Flock
Sunday, 16 December 2007
Sunflowers
I've been to the National Gallery yesterday...
Disappointed, tired, fed up, sad, lonely, angry, upset...unmotivated, felt like turning back...
I entered the room with Van Gogh's 'Sunflowers' and 'Chair'
The time stopped.
I became a white page, BLANK!
Just one second, and like a child everything changed....
Stable, full of reason and purpose, quiet and steady, tender and confident...
I've seen real art that lived centuries and will still hang there when I pass away.
What can I say?
I kept quiet eve when I met my friends...happy people in Europe do not ask others questions (we tend to tell others stuff, not be asked to do so, which I usually do not like), and that I don;t have to talk about it. Had a quick chat about it with Javi, who knows the place well, and changed the topic.
White, white page....like the winter in my homeland.:)
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