Just opened my gmail inbox after few minutes of struggling with my new modem (yes, ladies and gentlemen, Sylwia finally has her own access to the web) and found two comments to moderate. Tell you what - I do not usually have comments here, and due to my work, I know it's not such a bad thing...
Anyway, here is what I have found under my post on Polish Women's Day:
'Hitler didn't finish his job with the Polish, now they are invading Britain'
(Published)
If it were not to the other comment referring to me being a crap photographer, I would have thought it is a random racist abuse...but since it refers to two obviously strong features of my life, I feel a breeze of a known attitude. One I had to live with for a while.
Actually, let me put things into perspective - I have re-located from Hungary to the UK - country I never wanted to live in - for the sake of improving my marriage with a British citizen. I still cannot talk about it openly, but all I can say is that this person has done me a lot of damage - emotional, financial and spiritual - and I was completely victimized. It was my clear choice to move here for him and leave all my friends, artistic plans and lovely city of Budapest, so I will not accept this type of silly generalizations!
Sadly, I am an activist, and believe the lack of tolerance should not be tolerated, so here is to the anonymous coward again - comments are published for others to see and experience the abuse as such! I will not accept the fact people judge me on the basis of my origin, not my passion, so if you have nothing to add, find yourself another field for dropping shit - obviously result of some low self-esteem and lack of basic knowledge - any idiot would know Hitler was aiming to get rid of Jews, not Poles! Some of the Poles were of Jewish origin, yes, but let's not simplify, please!
Myself I have been to Auschwitz at the age of 10, and remember every single brick of it. I have seen German youth crying their hearts out in front of the Wall of Death! I have visited it two more times to finally understand what was happening there, but I could not. I did after reading Merle's 'Death is My Trade'. I still do not accept it though. And I think about the current issues too, about the town that still cannot develop due to the weight of the burden and simple fact that no one wants to invest in the local industry, just in memories! Go on, take a tour around the museum and see if change your little mind to more complicated ideas!
Actually, I am happy to see someone who doesn't like Poles in the UK and finds me a shity photographer still reads the blog and leaves comments (both left almost the same second, which proves that they were made by one person). Also, the style of the comment(s) kind of responds to the main idea behind the blog - to bring out to the open everything I hate about the human kind. So here it is! Let's see if I get more...
Friday, 28 March 2008
Hitler and the like...
Sunday, 16 March 2008
surprise, surprise!
In my new flat there was only one place I have not checked yet, nor cleaned - partially because of lack of interest, partially because of the fact that someone else was always doing the cooking in my flat - I just started doing it few days ago - and this placed is called an oven.
This is what I have found there today:
Still don't get it? Let me help you: I wrote about it already, people usually do NOT put it in the over, they use a toaster...unless, they look for a great subject of a great industrial photo. Than yes, they do, and they leave it there for a few... what? hours? days? Hell knows how long you need to keep a toast int he oven to make it look like this?!:
It might be one of my best industrial pix of this year, though:)
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Books, home and the like...
Someone asked me once 'where is your home?'. It's a difficult question to answer and today I realized that there are still traces of disappointment in my approach to reality. I live a very peaceful, happy life - true, not perfect, but heading towards the right goals - and I still tend to be quite melancholic.
First of all I realized I just need my books to create a home (let me not talk about my son and his toys - it's quite an obvious fact he IS my home too). I came to the UK two years ago, end of March with ten books. Now I owe approx.120 of those, all for them very focussed on what I like to do (photography) or whom I like to read (Rice, Eco, Okri, Harris, Banks, Shakespeare,....) and I still haven't read 25% of those. Why? Because of my work, where lately I have spent my evenings continuing what I had to continue from the daily tasks (fair enough, has to be done).
it's time to gradually shift back the balance between the two and invest in pleasures of my own collection, so that it lives inside my head too. Because that's exactly where my home is.
A friend of mine told me she doesn't mind where she lives as long as she lives with good people. (I agree...) She also gives read books away - has no need to keep them anymore.
I think one day I might get there, but I might also become a collector - as my parents were and have a nice library at home.
This new, quiet home gave me time and space to contemplate everything that happened during last three years and how my life has changed me. I was a naive, extremely active little graduate of three faculties, when I met my son's dad. I had a daily job, evening job at a charity school, and went to concerts organized by my friends to help them out, have a beer, take photos of their performing artists and simply live la vida loca (as an opposite to my daily work at a multi firm). I was broken hearted and very romantic, so I guess I was the perfect 'match'..anyway...
I have changed. I have been changed.
I was alienated, closed in an empty box, and constantly attacked. Simply as that. My ego vanished. I became a puppet. My dreams of a perfect artist family faded away with the fog of this country...
Still, how interesting...somewhere deep inside of me a new girl evolved. A very strong, responsible, and well...wise too. And as it became clear to me that there are places in this world where people live dignified lives, I made my choice to live on my own.
I realized that all the sadness and evil I always wanted to know was there, in front of my face and I learned to love it! How bizarre...
I realized there is no way for an individual with my interests and sublime approach to life to live with another artist.
I realized I can hate.
I realized I will have to create my family on my own...and shockingly-
I realized I am capable of doing so!
I realized I am in need of my family and friends, and everyone is. We just need to learn to close the open circles, to learn something.
I realized both Rich and Siobhan are right - you live your life along the main flow, you adjust and change it according to your expectations, deepest desires, your spiritual needs. But you also have to be prepared to learn your lessons and accept the fact the life itself will shape you into someone very different, someone almost unrecognizable just to show you the other side of the mirror. So you can understand who you are and live with healthy pride.
And as Fromm was so strongly trying to preach - you learn to love the right people, but also to allow the right people to love you.
I am 30. What on earth am I going to write about in 10 years time?!
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Saturday, 15 March 2008
Thursday, 13 March 2008
Bizarre
..just browsing in search for something for my book I have come across few funny sites.
We all know this:
but check the author's portfolio for other illusions - makes your braincells burn!
OK, it gets serious here: check this out - talking about crimes committed via MySpace. Hm...
And if you have not had enough, be the guest of The House, if you dare.
You can even count the time of your death, if you're interested...mine is Tuesday, March 20, 2057 - bugger, another 50 years???! ok, I am going to use a part of next 24 hrs to get some sleep. Good job I didn't enter The House:P
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going mad
...while being at home I set up another blog! Ha, as if I didn't have enough of those already..well, I always wanted to have a nice photoblog, since it takes ages to upload something to my porfolio anyway, so here is is, i.e. will be...
http://sylwiapresley.aminus3.com
(I am putting the link this way, because it is not active yet)
..as soon as/if at all my first few pix will be approved.
Aminus3 is a cool engine, the customer support is quick and the interface dead easy, but nice features and 'internal' rules. No wonder it's on the 1st place on wiki's list of photoblog portals.
Me like it!
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Very funny
How far do we go with art? Or is it just an ordinary idea this person had while having breakfast toast?
Let's see more...
(Thx to Rich)
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It's good, it's all good...
It's so good to spend most of the day away from my laptop! We forget the old ways, really. I had to be forced to spend most of my morning in the toilet, and rest of it in bed or just hanging around the flat to realize that there is a pile of traditional letters to be written on my new, very well equipped desk, and there are two unanswered ones since more than a month! Truth, writing a letter on paper with ink (don't think I am a traditional freak, I use normal Parker pen) takes time and - sounds silly - but does require more exercise from your hand. I personally put all my soul into th letters I write - I never know what to start with, but once I do (and the received letters help) I cannot stop.
My aunt told me once that my letter are like having a conversation with her, and that is exactly what I am aiming for! Someone else said I made him feel special with my words.
Because of those people, and those very few who still write to me, I will continue, and I might write les son my blogs, but well, something for something.
Although others, who make money of writing, have different opinions:
'In a blog, everything is really mine. In print, I have to assign copyright to the journal. It's theirs. In a blog, I write, I post and *click!*, it’s up. In print, it typically takes months to make it through the peer reviewers and, if I’m lucky enough to get accepted, additional months before it’s published and mailed bulk rate. It’s not very satisfying to the writer and the topic can quickly turn obsolete.'
'I have to say that producing a book - I have four under my belt if you count my dissertation - is a draining, soul-sapping catharsis. Part of the strain is working for a long time and not knowing if any of it will be worth it. Blogging is almost the polar opposite: almost everything you write is read and used by someone. [..]A blog never stops. The deadline is always with you. Yes, even on a Sunday evening.'
'Though I rarely write letters these days, Mr H has heard me say that I would like to reclaim that form of communication.' (check the blogging awards she received!:))
and something I completely agree with:
'letters sent through the mail, whether hand-written or typewritten, reflect a thoughtful process of action that e-mails - by their absolute ease of creation - do not represent.'
Blogged with Flock
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
Saturday, 8 March 2008
talking about Poland
I met two Polish boys (via Freecycle by the way). One of them works in Wantage for Autotype on new film technologies. I learned something new about Nokia phones and their screens;) I also learned that one of the first photo films was developed by them, in Wantage!
I have met a guy with a half-Polish daughter and a very shy girlfriend. Must be shy, because when I invited him over with his pair the answer was 'Will you not eat her?' (I have the impression he thinks I'm a feminist, well there isn't much difference in my case between feminism and realism, I'm affraid :P).
Still, this statement reminded me of girl I looked up to in Budapest and made me feel good, after all the shit that has happened to me and around me.
Nice weekend and nice evening too...
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Women's Day in Poland
...completely forgot about it! (the postcard from my brilliantly old fashioned dad didn't arrive yet!:/)I opened my inbox today and got this!
Not from a man, not from a gay friend, from a girl from my high school...hm...nice roses;)
Blogged with Flock
Friday, 7 March 2008
Thursday, 6 March 2008
We miss you already!
Here's to Jason, a guy whose spirit will stay with us forever!
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Wednesday, 5 March 2008
sometimes when I am down
You know most of the people I work with, live with or simply communicate with is quite impressed by my attitude and strength, but I tell you what - I do have my ups - I also have my downs. They happen rarely - downs, I mean - but they still get to me, and if that happens I am miserable, I cry, I neglect the world and I do hate human kind for all the faults. Sometimes it is triggered (by bad, unacceptable news about my colleague's family being shot while sleeping in their beds! just because they happened to choose life in South Africa!) and sometimes it is just the reality of my situation that gets to me (the fact I have no time to read the book I was longing for for so long and now as I got it I am just able to carry it - from work to home, from home to work).
You say I am a good mother. Well, I think I am committing myself as much as possible, but I do have hard times simply because I do it all on my own. Well, together with my lovely son, but sometimes without his co-operation. I do get so, so weak and helpless when it happens!
So please do not think I am a though girl all the time!
And do not get surprised when I am down and make mistakes - I should not, but it happens. And if so, I too deserve criticism, no matter how painful it is. At the end of the day I will be probably saved by one of my dear Angels, spread around the world, but still there, thinking of me, and letting me know how good it is to stay in touch:
I am just living my own life with my own goals, as best as possible, so please do not judge me on the basis of the cover, ok?
And if you think I am lonely - just a clarification: I like living in solitude, and solitude is good if you appreciate it and know when to stop. That silence in the house shapes me:)
Blogged with Flock
Tuesday, 4 March 2008
Any Given Blog
Lianfair
..sounds very innocent, but in reality it happens to be one of the longest names of towns in the world, located quite close - in Wales.
Preparing for my exhibition (since I am pressured to fill out the list of my works I decided to name them with difficult or funny names of UK villages) I have found the longest domain - of the town mentioned above, and once being there I have used the automated service of sending an e-mail to a friend.
When he started accusing me of sexual harrasment I asked him for the text of the message - se be aware when you use it!
' Subject: It's me, sending this from the World's Longest Single Word
Domain Name! - Your Own Copy To Keep
:)
PS. Why not run away with me, I've seen some beautiful holiday
properties listed on
www.FrenchHolidayHomes.com
I sent this email from
http://www.llanfairpwllgwyngyl
com
Not good, not good...
Blogged with Flock
Saturday, 23 February 2008
Thursday, 21 February 2008
Polish British web
Thanks to Robin, I got to read this cool article with ranking of the most popular websites used by UK based Poles. Interesting, how it truly reflect the reality of the lifestyle of this minority...Also, YouTube on the 3rd place. The more I learn about social media, the more impressed I become by the Polish web. Not only seeing Polish versions of international venues amongst main languages (English, German, Spanish, etc), but also reading Polish blogs on social media and checking quality of Polish websites (Zubrowka, Frugo, Heyah, and others)
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Sunday, 17 February 2008
weekend...
Kisses to J., to my parents and my angels!
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Independence
"We have to take decisions on the future of our nation," is good news. We can expect another big step in Kosovo, finally. Still, we do we all need to make it so complicated. We have enough trouble fighting the unavoidable. Eh...pity:/
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word!
Slowly I smolder away
With the last part of the hidden moon
My second nature is more vivid
The fire ball of my heart
Demolishes religions of their heritage
Crashes walls, brakes through the tides
Just to tell the truth
Yes, we will all die
So it’s better not to regret anything
And not to cause more pain than required
Just to pass each other with grace
With passion for every single human being
I wish I could stop crying over my own faith though…
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Thursday, 31 January 2008
Tuesday, 29 January 2008
Very cool website on drugs!
Sunday, 27 January 2008
Long week
This has been a long and heavy week, and I will have all but complains, so if you're in a cloudy mood, stop reading here.
First of all, my son was ill - and I hate the feeling of the parental helplessness when our little ones are suffering, and they do not even understand why!!! He was literary sleeping, waking up and complaining in a low, very sad moan, that life is shit...well, it was!
Secondly - I got ill too - and I usually do not feel so sorry for myself, since illness is a sign to stop pushing it - the body is telling no, no, no - but it is difficult to be ill and to take care for the other ill creature at the same time when you cannot even digest properly...
Work, work, work - it's great to have a challenging, responsible work, but when it comes to the simple problems of having to stay in the bathroom for few sec's every hour with your son knocking on the door, even the remoteness of my work seems an abstract act.
At the top of it all my usual spring insomnia started, so I could not even get a proper rest at night - I could start working though!
As a result, I rested at home, with my son, did my work and stayed cool. That is a very, very positive interpretation of my week:P
Let's hope for a better Monday...
Blogged with Flock
Sunday, 20 January 2008
Friday, 18 January 2008
Challenge
Another challenging week - I have been attacked, reported to my boss, accused; forgotten, re-discovered; found and extremely appreciated (in a random order). I finally can afford getting good equipment and develop and this makes me happy. My son is getting to be 2 years old, my family grows every single day, the distance between me and my friends vanishes.
I start to realize the heaviness of my past, when people are scared to even listen to my words - I apologize, the truth and the warnings cannot be kept in silence. I prefer to gain hundred friends and one enemy than keep my mouth shot and pretend that nothing has happened. I am alive and I was dead. Let me be who I really am.
The rest of you, f@@@ off!
Blogged with Flock
Thursday, 17 January 2008
Days, weeks, months...
..is how I stretch my development. I learn day by day and I become more and more confident in my role and in my motherhood. I see that others at my age are just finishing their schools, starting their path and I feel more accustomed to the new beginnings. I closed the hellish circle, so I can move on now. And this comes surprisingly easily!
I had a funny conversation last weekend and I understood my higher needs - for art, music, culture, happenings, the beat of a city heart. It seems like a good prospect for all of us, people hungry for visual and spiritual feeds. Well, it is all around us, so let;s just be brave to embrace it!
I am sick of moaning and those who feel sorry for themselves just to show how important they are, not!
I have seen a photo of a lovely, 5 year old girl, who manages very well on her own without even knowing the nastiness of someone who should be very close to her, but decided to abandon every thought of her. How many of us felt the same way? How can I avoid it?
I still believe I can and there is not tragedy unless we generate one. That is why I hate losers ;)
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Writing, reading, writing again
Writing comes easy again. I have an inspirational source - a type of quiet awakening. And I think the old self of mine is completely rediscovered. I know now I will need to make sme changes in my life to keep up with my emotional and spiritual needs. But no worries, we are all very patient:)
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Tuesday, 8 January 2008
Wednesday, 2 January 2008
Tuesday, 1 January 2008
Wishes
Simply:
I am...Polish
I am half-Hungarian
I am in the UK
I am a woman
I am an agnostic
I am a mom
I am single
I am a poet and a photographer
I have talents
I have obligations
I have challenges
I have loves
I have enemies
I have faithful friends
I am 30. The happiest times of my life!:) So i have no wishes this year, just the same piece of mind:)
But I do wish you all pure reality in its best version: health, success at work and any other important commitments, happiness with your families and most of all smile every morning and joy of life - goodness all around you and ability to see it even in harder moments to come!
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Monday, 31 December 2007
Friday, 28 December 2007
Demons
It's so slow...the time I have now, and the fact I am not alerted by work issues constantly opened the gates for the demon of my past to re-appear so I am spending my time remembering the last 3 years and evaluating each wrong done to me. It's painful but it's a process towards the purification and there is no one who could or should stop it.
I wake up few times in the night remembering...and all this shit comes out hanging above my head....Like in the song 'there's a demon under my bed...there's an anger with a hand on my head' - only that the hand is my own. I bring myself back to the reality of my own, independent, peaceful and dignified presence. I open my laptop and upload new photos, re-create our garden, my son's smile, his eyes...
I still fear him and I still am very weary and silent.
I am already past the physical pain and fear though. I am through with psychological studies of this social, sadly popular problem. I need to face my demon now and clear my soul.
All right, some of you don't believe in the spiritual, but I do, and I am convinced it is the center of my universe - no human being can tough it, so I do admit - am an egotist. I keep it to myself and if - as this person - anyone dares to step and make a mess in there - be aware!!! I can be wild, cruel, cold and very patient with my revenge. Once it is disgraced, there is no thing in this world to stop my anger.
And I, myself, am scared of the strength of my anger.
A very kind new friend of mine told me that I am very strong. I think we are both strong and weak - all the time. I am just as miserable and useless sometimes, as strong and brave. So I think he saw just the surface...kind words nonetheless.
I was humiliated and ignored to such an extreme before Christmas, that something broke in me and I still have no idea what will be the consequence of it for my life and work. I think I will become more cold at work, and more sensitive and poetic in my private life - just to keep the harmony going. Only the wise will be able to see the whole person. Only those derserve my respect. The rest is ...well...'silence':)
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Tuesday, 25 December 2007
insomnia
got to me again...stuck between pain and fear of death; calmness of family re-union and wildness of new photographic equipment I am reading and writing again. I am no longer silent and cannot sleep...I cannot keep calm my soul...I am flooded by the amount of time left...and time chasing me. And believe me, it's not my age I am worried about. It's my sons larger and larger shirts I am ironing, and my fathers quiet suffering when his heart stops for a second and his fear of not waking up.
He had a hard life with my mother, my brother...but mainly with me - his favorite child! O, how many times have i let him down! And how hard I am trying not to do that again.
I hope one day someone will notice his fearless powers and endless urge to live with dignity...maybe in one of my photos.
Now, we are all waiting:/
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Wednesday, 19 December 2007
Last thoughs
...before Christmas. Evaluation of this years achievements, failures, mistakes and conscious developments....I am better off than last year ...still in minus though.
(Today my motivation was seriously undermined, my self-motivation, let me ad..ah, what a waist of time!)
Can we please start appreciating, not only attacking and blaming, and teaching how to be better!?
If we could all see how short live is..maybe...
I will be 30 in two weeks. I am about halfway there, so I think I start to be more careful when it comes to my private time management.
As someone said - life is art, art is life. Not all art is creative, not all creative is art, I am afraid.
I am still in the right team though and yes, I will walk through the circles of el infierno, but I am willing to burn if that's the price to pay for having feelings and for thinking clearly, representing the truth.
Fuck the rest.
Oh, and yes, Merry Christmas to all! Specially you!;)
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Sunday, 16 December 2007
Sunflowers
I've been to the National Gallery yesterday...
Disappointed, tired, fed up, sad, lonely, angry, upset...unmotivated, felt like turning back...
I entered the room with Van Gogh's 'Sunflowers' and 'Chair'
The time stopped.
I became a white page, BLANK!
Just one second, and like a child everything changed....
Stable, full of reason and purpose, quiet and steady, tender and confident...
I've seen real art that lived centuries and will still hang there when I pass away.
What can I say?
I kept quiet eve when I met my friends...happy people in Europe do not ask others questions (we tend to tell others stuff, not be asked to do so, which I usually do not like), and that I don;t have to talk about it. Had a quick chat about it with Javi, who knows the place well, and changed the topic.
White, white page....like the winter in my homeland.:)
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
good news, bad news...
'The youths said they were avenging the two teenagers killed when their motorcycle hit a police car on Sunday.' What a strange reaction - violence for violence and I am convinced that police will do the same. Can you imagine what is being said now among the French, if not European policemen? Sudents throwing stones at 'highher powers?!', burning library in the name of what? Pathetic! Ah!
*
And somewhere else important changes are happening: 'The infant - born Tenzin Gyatso - then picked out his predecessor's belongings from a bigger group of items, reportedly shouting "It's mine!"'
Far from destruction, I beleve....:)
Sunday, 25 November 2007
Friday, 23 November 2007
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
The world is crazy!
European police is finding that KIDS plot massacres in schools!!! What the f@ is wrong with them? What is so stylish in mass murder? Or...maybe we did hear to much of it on the news? Nowadays it's not cool to be quiet, peaceful and calm. Lennon is dead!
On a different note we can be quite creative. ' Wildlife experts in northeastern India are experimenting with a new weapon to prevent marauding elephants from destroying homes and crops—superhot chilies.'
I guess Americans will have to do the same with their wild turkeys plotting revenge for Thanksgiving. Not on the web though, so it is quite difficult to be prepared for their attack. Oh, well...
Blogged with Flock
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
news, rewritten?
Her name is Monika. She is 25. She always prayed for a baby, someone little and innocent to care for, to love, to show the world to. She trusted England will be more developed than Poland, so she would brign her baby into this world here.
His name is Marcin. He gave her second chance and he di give her miracle. She was 9 months pregnant last week.
She went to the hospital on Thursday. Her waters broke. The doctors in London decided to send her back home. The contractions happened every 3 minutes, but 'she was not opened enough yet'. They told her to wait. She went back on Friday. They convinced her to deliver in a natural way.
Marcin begged, shouted, offered to bribe them for a quick delivery. They told him the policy in England is to try to give a natural birth.
She cried. She suffered. She was scared. She begged too, to cut her open.
They refused.
For 4 days...Baby was born naturally (more than 4 kg! healthy baby), but had no air...for long. Long enough for its brain to stop working.
She is half open. She got a full blood transfusion yesterday. She is on drugs. She doesn't realize.
He is strong for her. He doesn't want to think.
They both have friends.
My friends.
(My eyes are burning, no more tears left)
But no worries. The baby is in the best clinic now. They were freezing and defrosting its brain - the newest technology.
Oh, it's a boy.
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Monday, 19 November 2007
Heresy for my own kind
Guards shot children dead after Afghan suicide blast, says UN - how do you read it? GUARD SHOT DEAD CHILDREN ....SUICIDE..I will be honest I cannot, I am not even able to open the link...I am disgusted with human race, my own kind....you, specialists of this language, please help me - is there a word for this as well. If we have words for such cruelties, simple but horrific enough...do we have a word for hate for your own kind...am I a human racist? Am I a heretic.
In those moments I do forget I am a mother and I feed on Fry's vision: 'imagine malicious code written by cunning, ruthless criminals from, oh, Russia let's say, that could turn your computer into a slave machine, a zombie PC that can connect with other zombie PCs to create a whole network of robot computers that would grow almost exponentially in power and bandwidth. Such a robot network, or "botnet", would soon overtake all the supercomputers on earth in might and reach.'Blogged with Flock
Sunday, 18 November 2007
The way forward
..is to make plans. It's human. It's natural. It helps to survive.
Yes, I am silent, not lonely. My Angel is right. Yes. I do live the moment. The other One is right as well.
How would it feel to be comforted when the illness is eating my heart out and my son is knocking on the door (the feeling of solitude reinforced by the two people sitting in the other room, sitting:))? How would it feel to wake up next to someone? How would it feel to wait, to promise, to give presents, to take into consideration other's moods and needs?
I imagine good, but life is different. It takes power and patience to compromise. Those I have not at the moment. It takes courage and pride to show the smile on your face, and this is the most challenging of all...
I think I am feeling a need for something better, because this is our human nature. I am healing quickly. I no longer ache when passing by the roundabout at Appleton. And I no longer blame men, the silent ex-girlfriends and myself for what happened to me. I no longer walk the streets measuring and filtering the world through statistics of well...domestic abuse, is it? No. I am no longer the weakened one.
I read, watch, listen and make plans out of all of those things I have lost for three things. I pretty much enjoy charity and helping others - the more, the better. I cry when I see the results and happiness - I always felt the rightness of those, but now I myself now how it feels. I see possibilities and countries I will live in, go to, bring back on my photos. I see my son's future, bright one.
I measure my family in different terms. I see them in their world and time and space. No longer in mine. I learned to let it go.
I fear anger though and try to avoid it.maybe it will pass or maybe that's my lesson. Anger is a waste of energy and unanswered questions. Anger is attack and this has to be neutralized, not confronted. Every person around me living and truly worshiping anger is being pushed away, silenced, if not ignored. I have no time to live their, your anger! I am a free and quite a positive person, so let me be one and deal with your weaknesses in your own time, your own head. Anger is a virus, so try not to spread it, please....
And do not blame me for turning my back.
Blogged with Flock
Friday, 16 November 2007
Pudsey, and Children in Need
I got one today - and I admit - with no knowledge of the charity and today's importance whatsoever! Bad me - for not waching tv, not reading news, not being interested. But well, I baught a little Pudsey to accompany my phone from now on:)
Do you know where does the Pudsey come from?
Did you taste a Pudsey pudding? Have you been to Pudsey? ;)
Do you know about the charity? If so, have you done something for the Children in Need today? The day is not over yet, and if you are not convinced as for the charity in general check this blog out.
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Urbandictionary - made my day
Here we go...dictionary that really made me smile...few times
1.funny ones
2. interesting ones
3. slightly depressing ones
4. surprisingly irrational ones
5. 'no tattoo then:/'- ones
Thursday, 15 November 2007
Chosen, not
'Russian doomsday sect threatens mass suicide' Yes, they believe the world comes to an end (see: Matchbox 20 in next post) but what right do we have to intervene in their believes? One might ask, still - I have believed in one of the highest virtues (love?) and got mistreated, and swear the God (not a Catholic anymore, so swearing is not a sin ha!) I would love anyone could have intervened...those who knew the truth already! And I am upset they didn't! I know the world will last longer than until May 2008, well I hope so, because that is the month of my next exhibition...and I cannot believe someone can be foolish enough to let one charismatic personality to lead them to death!
::
How strong is the faith and how important for the church is it? Should a nun stay a cleaner (read the article carefully!: 'three nuns working in a community near Rome decided they had been pushed too far when the local bishop demanded they double up as personal cleaners for two ageing priests' - why doubled? why should they stop supporting youngsters, leave their already important duties?) I think we are not talking about the pride here, not theirs at least....That is one of the reasons why I left the Catholic church, I am afraid.
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Wednesday, 14 November 2007
Poles again
Polish soldiers charged for murder. Complete nonsense! Not only that they volunteer to kill, get paid for it, also attack innocent people. 'The prosecutor said they violated international law when they opened fire on the village. Women and children were among the dead.' I am ashamed to be a Pole, to be a human, whenever I read this. A village. My parents live in a peaceful village as well. Luckily, they live on the right side of this 'front line'. Luckily...
*
Maybe some feel powerful to attack, and others just to step back and watch others suffer. Please, dear readers, forgive me, but I WILL ASK WHY quite often here (that is why I rewrite those news, I guess), why does one decide to work with the mentally ill if there is no positive incentive behind their deeds...if there is pure, cruel passiveness?! 'A 7-year-old girl with fluid in her brain left untreated “because she will die anyway.' She has been in this world only for 7 years. 7 years is nothing in a child's life, still the most wonderful, innocent time of our lives. Do you remember being 7? I do. I was moving a lot, so I remember being 7, I was just making friends with Anna, steeling plums from my neighbor's fruit tree and just beginning to disbelief the Catholic preachers...I was free, unbearable, funny and hyperactive. I was spending all my day with friends from school and in the garden, learning the nature...bringing first cherries home and asking mom what should I do with them. That's how I learned to cook my first dish ('pierogi' with cherries), and got praised for it by the whole family...nothing was never left untreated.
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Tuesday, 13 November 2007
Flowers
I am fed up with buying flowers, now it's time to receive them. It's not good....not a good sign..first time in my life I became distant from them...I even forced myself to go to the shop and buy one...one I have studied since about a week...I had it in my basket! And couldn't! I could not force myself to buy it and take it home...and I think it is more about taking it and bringing it home, where there is no place for flowers at the moment - not in my spaces....silly, I know. Well, that is me, my nature - lost in details like this, managing in her 'big issues' and completely disabled when it comes to the details of every-day life. I hope I can see flowers like Georgia did - I hope I will see and recreate the world the way she did - once, one day, in Mexico;)
'Nobody sees a flower, really, it is so small. We haven't time - and to see takes time like to have a friend takes time.
If I could paint the flower exactly as I see it no one would see what I see because I would paint it small like the flower is small. So I said to myself - I'll paint what I see - what the flower is to me but I'll paint it big and they will be surprised into taking time to look at it - I will make even busy New Yorkers take time to see what I see of flowers.
...Well, I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower you hung all your own associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see of the flower - and I don't.'
- Georgia O'Keeffe
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Stones...
'A Palestinian woman whose son was wounded during clashes between Hamas security forces and Fatah supporters reacts at a rally to mark the third anniversary of the death of former Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat in Gaza, November 12, 2007'
Six lives waisted, or maybe just carried, born, raised, educated and fed to die this very moment...lives whose sense of respect towards their leader lifted up their hands full of stones. I know Arafat's face, and I know the face of a mother, shot in her son's heart. Was she on a way to the market? Or did she really plan to be there to witness ..what..history? news? become a sad celebrity?
Maybe...
One of them was a young student, planned to finish the literature course and teach kids. He loved kids?
One was a regular drinker. This time he wanted to do something meaningful?
One was an elderly woman, usually seen in her doorstep, greeting the tourist and smiling to their intruding cameras?
One was a friend of a friend of another invited friend? He just came along?
One was a father of three?
One was a true believer? Activist, one might say?
All of them had plans for the afternoon. No one saw the first stone.
*
Today in Japan they use stones to build roads. Roads that play music, so you can enjoy it simply by driving on the surface of the road. Stones put together to play a melody! Wow!
"You need to keep the car windows closed to hear well," wrote one Japanese blogger. "Driving too fast will sound like playing fast forward, while driving around 12mph has a slow-motion effect, making you almost car sick."
You just need to stick to the right speed:
Well, no one is perfect...
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Monday, 12 November 2007
Ill
...very ill, as it turns out. My GP asked me to stay at home...for a week! Which is - obviously - not going to happen. I will try to stay at home tomorrow, because my son is not too well, and he needs rest. It will do us good to be together - he is very frustrated nowadays and I need to spend more time with him.
We spent all evening - after the long walk from the surgery and chat about Cassiopeia - my favorite constellation - we cuddled in from of my laptop watching his evening cartoon. We watched it twice, it was so good just to lay down and get some rest, together.
That is my plan for tomorrow....
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Sunday, 11 November 2007
Reasons
I don't see the reason why I shouldn't start a new one. Actually it is just a continuation of my old, English blog and I think I will enjoy doing it on Blogger better. It's just the fact that the interface is all in English (so you can comment now!) and the additional applications (i.e. widget) are easy to add. Saves me time.
I suffer from lack of it since about a month, when I decided to do more work - constantly spending my evening hours on it. Stoppped last week, when I realized that my life is passing me by. I stopped reading, writing, even laughing with my little boy.
Well, that's over now. I continue the book project with K. and J./M. as well as the art evenings - in any given form.
I read two books this weekend and I feel better already...
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